Whew! What a Ride

This journey is like riding a roller coaster...up, down, up, down. So many of my struggles are associated with the mental part of being healthy. I get in my own way. I would guess that this is why Bethany's favorite thing to say to me is "Get out of your head and do this." She knows.

I have discovered it is not easy to stay committed to a fitness plan. It is not easy to drop weight (not even with a shortcut). It is not easy to figure out how to keep from hurting myself. It is not easy to stay out of my head. This has been an ongoing struggle for me.

My head thinks of all of the reasons that I should just stay home. You know, things like: it is too hot, my allergies are too bad, I will sweat too much and then need a shower,  nobody will notice that I missed. The thing is that these excuses are stumbling blocks. If I am not careful, they cause me to make steps in the wrong direction.

I do want to be fit. I do want to be healthy. I do desire to change. I spend entirely too much time "in my head" and this causes me to stumble. In my head, I hear all of the negative things that have ever been spoken over me. In my head, I doubt my ability. In my head, I second guess my goals.

I am working hard to let God control what goes on in my head. I try to be as positive as possible. My life is not easy and I am not always as successful at the be positive thing as I would like to be, but I would not want to live any other life. God set my feet on this path. He know how He will use my struggles to create victory in my life and the lives of the people around me. He has placed some amazing women around me...not just at boot camp, but at work and church too. He is faithful and I am grateful.

My goals are big and sometimes they seem impossible. I will get there one step at a time. My desire to change is greater than my desire to stay the same (this is another of Bethany's favorite things to say).

I appreciate the encouragement that I get from you. I ask that you continue to encourage me as I continue this journey and I ask that you remember me in your prayers. I can do this! 13.1 miles is less than 10 miles away!

Be blessed!

Form, Focus, and Frustration

Focus on form, focus on form, focus on form...this is something I seriously need to do! I have issues with my left leg. I thought I stretched enough. I thought I was doing the exercise correctly. Who would have known that putting your weight on your heel instead of your toe would make such a big difference? I certainly didn't, but you can be sure I will remember next time. OUCH!

I do NOT like strained muscles! I don't mind the "normal" workout pain, but I do not like it when I "hurt myself". I get so frustrated. I want to do the same things that the others are doing at camp. I want to make it through the entire workout. I don't like having to modify everything (I realize I have to modify some of it). I don't like feeling like I have failed or like I have let someone down. Guess what I do? I throw up a wall and block it all out.

Yep, if I act like I don't want to or it is too hot, then no one will know that I feel like I can't do it or know that I am hurt. The folks that I workout with are FANTASTIC people. I know that they are not judging me. I know that many of them really care about me on a personal level. I know that they support me, so why do I continue to throw walls up?

Being hurt and unable to complete the tasks on the cg board frustrates me. A knot the size of an egg in my thigh is not comfortable! That really isn't the biggest issue, it is the lump in my throat when I have to ask for a different exercise and the hurt in my heart (not literally) that make it hard. Unintentional looks of disappointment and my still fragile self esteem beat me down. There is not one person that can be more disappointed with what is happening to my body and it's inability to respond than me.

I can complete a 5k in less than an hour, but I cannot do a superman stretch. I can finish a 5k in less than an hour, but I still cannot do many exercises that involve jumping...you get the picture. I can see my successes, but my struggles are what I have focused on.

I have to remember that it is my workout. I cannot worry about being last. I have to focus on what I need to do to get over the walls that I have thrown up in front of me. I cannot actually jump over a real hurdle, but I have to figure out how to jump the hurdles that I have put up in my mind...

We are supposed to have 20 minute workout on Saturday...I really want to do it. I know it is something that I CAN finish...and I am looking for another 5k because I know I can finish...these two things are very difficult, but I have done both successfully. This success builds my confidence and helps me remember that I have come a long way since I began this journey in January!

I am trying to learn to embrace this journey. I am trying to live a healthy lifestyle. I am trying hard to be as honest about it all as I can. I am trying to put away all of the shame I have felt in the past. I am trying to walk boldly. I am trying to remember that:

    "[I am a person that is] breaking the boundaries people have placed before [me and I am]
    raising the bar from settling on just 'being adequate' to CONQUERING greatness. [I am]
    STRONG because [I] persevere! [I] have what it takes because [I have support]! [I]
    positively IMPACT lives of those around [me]! [I am] BOLD because [I] know [I]
    have fears and choose to face them..."*

Who am I? I AM A GLADIATOR!

*Bethany sent us a version of this as an encouragement...I am trying to become this strong, bold, conquering woman that she believes I am!  I am thankful...

Be blessed!

BOLD Because of a Child's Love

The past few weeks have not been the best. I have not wanted to do my workouts. I have allowed myself to have a bad attitude.

I have even been disappointed...in myself and in some people around me. Let me explain. I agreed to do a 5k with a parent of a student.  It was way back in January. Bethany had told me that I was not allowed to say "I can't" anymore, so I said okay. We had plans to advertise for my school and  have t-shirts made. Big plans that went no where. We all got busy.

Bethany and I had a conversation about it and she wanted to wait so we could do the advertising. I talked with the parent (on Monday night) and told her I was not going to do it and then on Tuesday morning I told the boys in my morning class that I was not going to do the 5k. I thought that I had covered my bases fairly well, after all, we were not going to be able to advertise for the school and my leg had just started to feel better...one of the boys looked me in the eye and said "Why not?" It wasn't really the words that got me, it was the look of disappointment in his eyes.

The truth is, I had been given an out, and I took it. It made me a little mad. This angry feeling came out at bootcamp and I left it out when we discussed what was going on. I talked about all of the other stuff. I don't think I did it on purpose, really, the other stuff was just bothering me more. I was really trying to do my crabwalks and I was really trying not to be upset. I was not all that successful at either. While I was working hard at avoiding my workout that day, I walked over to the sign in table and my friend asked me why I wasn't doing the 5k. I replied with a quick I am not ready and turned and walked away. This was all on Tuesday.

I went back and read my early blog posts on Wednesday or so and started to think. All of my life, I have let fear dictate what I was and was not going to do. I remember being picked for the missions team in college and then backing out because I was afraid. So, my quitting has been the result of me giving in to my fear. I decided Thursday that I could not skip the 5k. The parent and Bethany had other plans and I knew I would have to do it by myself.

I went. I started. I finished...dead last! I discovered along the way that it is really okay for me to be last. I laughed at God and told Him I get it. All of my life I would just quit. Quitting is way worse than being last...making excuses, worse than being last.

What I discovered today is that I am BOLD. The cg kind of bold. I would not have had the confidence to start and finish a 5k on my own in December. Today, I not only started and finished, I also finished it in less time than I thought I would. I finished in 57 minutes 20 seconds. I was in 84th place out of 84 runners and I am okay with that! I did not quit. I did not make an excuse. I did not let fear win. I am a winner!

Tuesday, I will proudly wear my shirt to class and look that sweet boy in the eyes and say thank you. He knew I could do it. He believed me when I said I would and because of his love I did!

Be blessed!

Crab Walks Make Me Crabby

I tried to do a crab walk today. My body didn't want to and that made me mad. As a matter of fact, that stupid little exercise caused me to think about a bunch of things that have been making me crabby. I am still an emotional eater.  As much as I would like to think that I have conquered that, I have not even come close. Now, I am in an interesting place...exercise brings out all kinds of emotions and my first instinct is to run to food for comfort.

Yes, I realize that is not what I am supposed to do and a lecture about it will only add to the stress and well, you know, more food. Spring has always been an interesting time of the year for me. The trees start to bloom and my allergies and asthma go crazy. The temperature goes up and my migraines return. So, this outside exercise thing is hard for me.

Folks keep asking me if I am okay and I can answer yes and no. What's wrong? Well, here is an abbreviated list of the things I am dealing with:

1. There are several people in our family that are in poor health
2. Our youngest niece got hurt playing softball
3. The school year is coming to an end
4. Bryan is starting to go through puberty and is not behaving the way I would like for him to
5. We have chickens in our bathroom
6. My allergies and asthma are acting up
7. I feel insecure about changing
8. I cannot sleep
9. My back is hurt
10. Affordable healthcare is not so affordable

There is so much more that I could add. I have to deal with all of it. I would love to be able to replace the emotional eating with exercise and I am trying, but it is so hard. I am a creature of habit. I like for things to be comfortable and easy...and this life change I am trying to make is anything but comfortable and easy. You might say I am my own worst enemy when it comes to getting in the way. I left so much junk on the foam glow course, but I didn't leave it all. And now, I am faced with taking all of this on.

I have to remember that I am not in this alone. I have to learn to trust myself to make wise choices. I have to get out of my head and focus on the fit person inside of me. I have to do this for myself first. I cannot worry about what others think and I have to get my feelings off of my sleeves. It is hard enough to do this and even harder if I choose to have hurt feelings.

One day at a time...be blessed

Learning to trust

I don't know about the rest of you, but I discovered today that it is not possible to compartmentalize my life. I have worked hard for years to keep certain people in my life at a safe distance. You know, give everyone labels. Church friend, work friend, high school friend, childhood friend...and very rarely have I let my walls down enough for people in those groups to cross into another group...then I started Camp Gladiator.

Remember me telling you that I was a master wall builder? Well, evidently I lied. Not on purpose, but I did.  My wall building ability really stinks. They keep crumbling and falling to the ground...it may not be that my walls are not fortified, because they are. It is that God is the one knocking them down. When God sets out to set you free from bondage, you will be free...even if He has to drag you kicking and screaming the whole way.

What in the world does this have to do with me getting fit? Being physically, mentally, and (for me) spiritually fit go hand in hand. The walls I have built have to be knocked down. God revealed some things to me this afternoon: 1) I have to trust people. Not everyone that enters my life is going to hurt me. 2) I have to be okay with a smaller personal space. Not everyone that gets close has a desire to hurt me 3) I have to open up. Someone around me needs to be encouraged.

I had to face fear today. Not on the workout mat, but standing in the church house. See, I went to a women's conference to see Bethany sing. Some of the girls from bootcamp were there (that whole line crossing thing was going on) and I was very uncomfortable. God has been trying to work in me for a few weeks and I have stubbornly ignored Him. Here is the truth: I did not want the girls from bootcamp to know that God was trying to deal with my junk. I did not want to deal with it in front of them. I did not want to be vulnerable in front of them because that would mean that I would have to trust them. God was not as concerned about my personal comfort, He came to do business with me. And He did just that...

I was angry with God today. Yes, I said it...flat out angry. And I was stubborn and guess who was there and made me deal with it head on (although she didn't realize it). Yes, Bethany (another line crosser). I had seperated myself from the group to try to get myself together and she happened to see me. She walked up and said what's up, you know, like she does at camp. I wouldn't answer...today, I was not a camper and she was not my trainer and God was really working on some stuff and I did not want to talk about it, so I didn't. She sat down next to me, laid her hands on me, and prayed. That is when I realized just how far past my walls she was. She prayed for me the way I pray for Bryan. You know, right from the heart with no judgement, full of love and compassion. And I got mad. Not at Bethany, but at God. He put me in this situation, allowed Bethany to figure me out and get pats all of the walls I put up, and other folks followed her around. Not only that, but He was allowing it to be played out in a public place.

I don't know if any of you have ever tried to dig in your heels when God is trying to work, but I can tell you it doesn't work. He will remove all of your excuses and send folks to speak truth to you and not back down. I finally gave in and dealt with what was bothering me. I don't want to go into the specifics here, because it was very personal and handled face to face...I will say that releasing the fear associated with trusting others changed me today. My eyes were opened.

It is not possible for me to become physically fit without becoming mentally fit. It is not possible for me mentally fit without becoming spiritually fit. Becoming spiritually fit is not possible without trust. Trust in God and in the people I consider my friends. I am Kristy Stuart. I am Strong. I am Beautiful. I am Smart. I am Forgiven. I am Worthy. I am Brave. I am Changed. I am Whole.

Bethany, Jean,  Liz, Crystal, Jherri, Shawna, Meghan, Rhonda, Beth (and so many more), I need you to know that I trust you to encourage and support me in my fitness journey. God has made an effort to surround me with bold, powerful, encouraging folks. He doesn't make mistakes. You are a part of my life because God ordained it. He knows that I need you and that you need me. So, starting now, there is not a personal space surrounding me...if you feel led to hug me, do it. If you feel led to encourage me, do it. If I am slacking and God tells you to call me out, do it. I will work hard to make sure that my feeling are in my pocket...I am learning to trust, be patient. Thank you for being who you are...

Be blessed!

Hurt

This has been an interesting week.  During the first part of my workout on Monday, I hurt my leg. I did a good job! I didn't know that it was possible to hurt myself the way I did...it wasn't a difficult exercise. A weighted Get Up. You have to sit down and then get back up without using your hands...I have done these successfully in a previous workout. There is not even any jumping involved, but it really hurt!

In the hospital, when I had back surgery, they would come ask me about my pain level. On a scale of 1-10, how is your pain...and I would tell them (after my surgery) that it was about 4.5 or 5...for those of you that do not know, I had to have major back surgery 7 years ago.  The doctor told me that if I had waited another week, I would have been paralyzed. Morphine didn't even touch the pain...why do I bring it up? Well, because the pain I experienced on Monday was almost as bad as the back pain I experienced. I have a high pain threshold, so for me to cry, it has to be bad.

The worst part of all of it is that I wanted to try to push through the pain and keep doing my workout...I couldn't. So, I didn't...and on Tuesday, I got up and drove to the 5 am workout, still in pain. I walked up, told Bethany that my leg still really hurt and that I had only had three hours of sleep. She told me to go back home.

Being hurt messes with me mentally. I want for Bethany to be proud of me (and for the record, I know she is when I am not in my head). I try hard to give an honest effort at nearly every workout. It is hard...266 pounds of flesh, trying to jump and run and bend, doesn't  always cooperate and when there is a malfunction, it is worse. Tonight, I was VERY frustrated. I wanted to do it, but I didn't want to further injure my leg. I had to put myself in timeout. I walked away from the workout area and walked a lap around the track...something I knew I could do without too much discomfort.

I was just walking and trying to clear my head. One whole lap down and I was going to start another one...and then I heard Bethany calling my name. I knew I was about to have to face what was going on and deal with it...she said something like: What's up, tell me what is going on. I had to look at her and tell her I was frustrated and that I really wanted to do what she was asking me to do, but it really hurt. I told her that I didn't want her to be disappointed in me because I was really trying to do it, my leg just didn't want to cooperate.

I have mentioned before that I trust her...she busted down my walls faster than anyone I have ever met. I am comfortable enough with her to tell her anything and to listen to what she says, even if I don't like what she is saying. When I told her I was afraid I was disappointing her, I knew what she was going to say. "Get out of your head." She tells me that more than once a week. Even when I think I am hiding it, she knows. She has figured me out. 

I need to be able to express my fear and be honest about what is going on in my head because I need to work through the junk. I need to have a person that will listen and redirect, without judgement. I need to be challenged when I am not giving my all...and I have that at Camp Gladiator. I am doing things I never thought possible and I am making new friends. Sometimes, it hurts...mentally and physically, but I am so worth it!

Be blessed!

Three Fs: Fear, Frustration, and (perceived) Failure

This has not been a good week for me. Fear and frustration are my enemy. I did not push myself this week because I was afraid I would have an asthma attack. Asthma attacks cause panic attacks which really embarrass me.

My week started with breathing treatments. The wind blew in something that made it very difficult for me to breathe. I skipped Monday's workout because I was not feeling well. Put on top of that that I am very frustrated with my perceived lack of ability and an overall bad attitude and you end up with my week.

It feels like everything I have done this week has been wrong. Personal decisions, professional decisions, nothing seems to feel right. I don't like that this was my reality this week, but it was. I do not feel good about most of the workouts I did this week. When I don't give 100%, I only cheat myself. I have been an emotional mess and have worked hard to hide it. I have felt insecure and I have been a little grouchy.

I did manage to do a couple of things, this week, that I feel like I can brag about...1) I got my cousin to come to camp with me and she signed up and 2) I jogged (remember, my "jog" is like most people's walk) almost all the way around the track and only stopped once and walked only a little bit.

So now what? Well, I need to figure out how to only use my inhaler if I am having an actual attack. I leave it on the check-in table when I get to boot camp (this makes me uncomfortable, thankfully, there are several people at camp that can really run...just in case there is an issue). I need to figure out the root cause of my insecurities...I want for people to be proud of me, but how can I expect that when I cannot figure out how to be proud of myself?

I have discovered, this week, that although I left a ton of "junk" on the foam glow course, there is so much more that has to be dealt with. I think the most important thing is the way I look at myself. I can tell you I am strong, that I am beautiful, I am confident, but without action on my part, those are useless words. I need to pray more and complain less. I need to trust God with my fear and give an honest effort. And apparently, I need to be a little easier on myself, because in reality, I have done things in the last two months that I never thought were possible.

I need to be mentally and physically healthy.

Be blessed!