Struggling to Stay Positive

My friend, Julie, posted something on facebook and it really made me think...she said:

"It never fails. The day you feel like crap someone comes along and says something horrible to you. and it feels like the whole world woke up just trying to bring you down. No matter what your day is like stop the cycle so that it doesn't continue. Someone somewhere needs you to stay POSITIVE. Maybe it's the guy who's trying to get on the highway, or the girl who checked you out at the grocery store. Even when someone mistreats you turn around and smile at them. Whatever their problem is, most likely its not about you. So stay positive and maybe...just maybe they will continue the positive attitude."

You know, this is great advice, but I think there is more to it. I have been struggling with my attitude toward working out. I have fallen way short recently in the staying positive area. I sincerely apologize. Julie's post was a wake up call for me. I may not be the most fit girl at boot camp, but people notice me. When my attitude is not right, people see it. Trying to maintain a positive attitude about my workout honors God. It says that I appreciate the effort that is being made on my behalf by Bethany and the other campers.

I have to try harder to stay focused on the most important part of my journey...my relationships. My relationship with God, first and foremost, and then with my family and my friends. My outlook has to focus upward. If my vertical relationship (God) is in line, my horizontal relationships will flourish.

So, what does this have to do with my workout? Well, it is pretty simple. I will put more effort into becoming the fit me. I will do it, most of the time, with a good attitude. I will choose joy, because someone may need me!

Be blessed!

Broken but not Defeated

Broken...have you ever thought what it would be like to be broken? Not like a broken bone, more like a realization that you cannot do something by yourself. Well, that is what I have thought about today.

It is not a surprise to people that know me that I feel things deeply. I tend to think about things over and over. I become concerned about being a burden on the people around me. I fear failure and disappointing people. Sometimes these feeling are easily put back in their place and sometime they fester up and bubble out for others to see. That is what happened on Saturday.

Saturday was the 20 minute workout. I did not want to participate. I did not even want to go to Tolar. Saturday morning, I was dealing with the stress of the week and I just didn't want to see anyone...and then I got a text from a friend asking me to come. She said she was really struggling and needed me to come to encourage her. This text conversation was followed by a facebook comment from Bethany and a text from another cg friend. All of the messages encouraging me to come. My attitude was bad, but I am a loyal friend. I got dressed, got in the car and went to the track. I don't think I said more than a dozen words to anyone and I did not do the 20 minute workout. Emotionally, I was spent. I did my warm up lap and went back to the area where Bethany was setting up. I sat down and just started to cry.

I have been quietly struggling with my confidence for a couple of months. I am good at keeping most people from knowing what is going on, at least for a while. Now, before any of you get worked up and start telling me how great I am doing, you need to know that I struggle to see what you see. I want to see this person that you see, but what I see instead is a person that is really having a hard time believing that I am going to be able to do the things that I hoped to do. I can't seem to get past the injuries that keep happening (Bethany and I are working on this with modifications). I am embarrassed that I cannot do the things that the others do, although no one has ever said anything about it. My insecurities are hanging out for the world to see...and you know what? That is perfectly fine with me because fact is, I am not able to do this...not on my own anyway. Crystal (and others) reminds me often that I can do all things through Christ...

On Saturday, I walked the track and tried to figure things out. I played with a sweet three year old who insisted that I jump in the water puddles and follow him up and down the bleachers and all over the place. That sweet baby made me laugh for the first time in days, kids are good like that! I faced the fact that to be strong, I have to be broken, you know, I have to admit that I need God's help. He has surrounded me with an amazing group of women. He has also given me a husband that supports my decision to become fit. Scott is willing to work extra hours and odd jobs just to be able to pay for my boot camp. What a gift. And, God sent me a trainer that has become like family. I know without a doubt that God knew I would need her.

So now what? Well, since the half marathon seems impossible (I am still planning to do it), my goal right now is to get back into my routine and get to where I can jog/run a whole stinking lap without stopping...then two...then three...I think you get the picture. The big goal is a little overwhelming today so I am going to break it down into manageable chunks. I think I have used this before, but do you know how you eat an elephant? That's right, one bite at a time. Do you know how you run a half marathon? One step at a time...gotta get to steppin...

Don't give up on me, I really am trying!

Be blessed!

I DON'T WANT TO...

Well, after a week at home and the few weeks before this one, I don't want to go to workout. Yes, I said it and I own it. My self confidence is super low and I have felt horrible. I know that has a lot to do with the way I feel...but still, I don't want to.

So, I sit here in front of my computer typing and praying and hoping that I will get out of this funk. I am having a big ole pity party I guess. Tomorrow is 20 minute workout and I am considering just staying home. I don't think it is possible for me to beat my time from last month, especially with the crazy month I have had, and I am not sure that I am in the mood to deal with the emotional breakdown that it will cause.

I know, get up and go...at least try...blah, blah, blah...I will let you know what happens. Pray for me.

Be blessed!

Modify or Quit

Being a teacher, I know about modified curriculum. I know why modifications are made. I know that they are intended to help the person become successful. So, why is it so hard to allow Bethany to modify my workouts? I know that it needs to be done because I keep hurting myself.

I really want to do the things she asks me to do, you know, the way the other campers do, but my body just will not allow me to do it. In my head, I can do it. My legs tell a different story. I want to do it (most of the time).

I am forced to face the fact that my body is not ready to respond. So I have to make a decision: Do I go with the modifications or do I quit? I have seriously thought about both and have made a decision. A hard decision. One that will require me to admit that I am not ready and require me to swallow my pride. One that some people will not fully understand, but one that most will support.

You see, I am not the same person that I was on January 17, 2014. That Kristy Stuart could not do a jumping jack or a sit up...this Kristy Stuart can. The Kristy from January would have quit after the first injury...this Kristy is dealing with the third injury. So...

I am not a quitter. I have to keep going. I will swallow my pride and continue to train because I cannot catch Crystal yet, but I am still coming! Seriously, God is using this to get rid of tons of junk that I have stored up and as much as the physical part of this hurts sometimes, working through the mental part of this is what is making me healthy. I am tough...I am strong...I am able...I am a Gladiator!

Be blessed!

Kickball

This past Thursday was field day at school. We had a day full of outdoor activities. After stretching, the kids picked teams for a kickball game. Would you believe that they let me play too? I was on the same team with my boy and I kicked after he did.

I was a little nervous. Would I be able to keep up with these kids? Would I get too hot? Would I be able to kick the ball? Well, I was surprised. I was able to keep up with them, I did not get too hot, and I did kick the ball. As a matter of fact, I reached base and crossed home plate nearly every time I was up.

At one point, one of the high school boys tried to tag me and missed. I out ran him to score. Yes, you read that correctly. I out ran him.

So, why is this the topic of my blog? Well, it speaks volumes about my growth since joining Camp Gladiator. In the Fall, I would not have been able to participate. I would not have wanted to be outside at all. I would have stayed in to grade papers.

I am not where I want to be in my fitness journey. I have had some setbacks. I get in my own way all of the time. I am, however, much closer today than I was on January 15, 2014.

I am proud of myself and I look forward to starting the preparation for the half marathon that I will run in March. I also look forward to sharing this journey with others and pray that I encourage someone to get up off of the couch, like I did, and start their own fitness journey!

Be blessed!