Broken...have you ever thought what it would be like to be broken? Not like a broken bone, more like a realization that you cannot do something by yourself. Well, that is what I have thought about today.
It is not a surprise to people that know me that I feel things deeply. I tend to think about things over and over. I become concerned about being a burden on the people around me. I fear failure and disappointing people. Sometimes these feeling are easily put back in their place and sometime they fester up and bubble out for others to see. That is what happened on Saturday.
Saturday was the 20 minute workout. I did not want to participate. I did not even want to go to Tolar. Saturday morning, I was dealing with the stress of the week and I just didn't want to see anyone...and then I got a text from a friend asking me to come. She said she was really struggling and needed me to come to encourage her. This text conversation was followed by a facebook comment from Bethany and a text from another cg friend. All of the messages encouraging me to come. My attitude was bad, but I am a loyal friend. I got dressed, got in the car and went to the track. I don't think I said more than a dozen words to anyone and I did not do the 20 minute workout. Emotionally, I was spent. I did my warm up lap and went back to the area where Bethany was setting up. I sat down and just started to cry.
I have been quietly struggling with my confidence for a couple of months. I am good at keeping most people from knowing what is going on, at least for a while. Now, before any of you get worked up and start telling me how great I am doing, you need to know that I struggle to see what you see. I want to see this person that you see, but what I see instead is a person that is really having a hard time believing that I am going to be able to do the things that I hoped to do. I can't seem to get past the injuries that keep happening (Bethany and I are working on this with modifications). I am embarrassed that I cannot do the things that the others do, although no one has ever said anything about it. My insecurities are hanging out for the world to see...and you know what? That is perfectly fine with me because fact is, I am not able to do this...not on my own anyway. Crystal (and others) reminds me often that I can do all things through Christ...
On Saturday, I walked the track and tried to figure things out. I played with a sweet three year old who insisted that I jump in the water puddles and follow him up and down the bleachers and all over the place. That sweet baby made me laugh for the first time in days, kids are good like that! I faced the fact that to be strong, I have to be broken, you know, I have to admit that I need God's help. He has surrounded me with an amazing group of women. He has also given me a husband that supports my decision to become fit. Scott is willing to work extra hours and odd jobs just to be able to pay for my boot camp. What a gift. And, God sent me a trainer that has become like family. I know without a doubt that God knew I would need her.
So now what? Well, since the half marathon seems impossible (I am still planning to do it), my goal right now is to get back into my routine and get to where I can jog/run a whole stinking lap without stopping...then two...then three...I think you get the picture. The big goal is a little overwhelming today so I am going to break it down into manageable chunks. I think I have used this before, but do you know how you eat an elephant? That's right, one bite at a time. Do you know how you run a half marathon? One step at a time...gotta get to steppin...
Don't give up on me, I really am trying!
Be blessed!
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