What a Difference a Year Makes!!!

A whole year, really? Three hundred sixty-five days. Wow. So many things have happened this past year. I finally admitted that I weighed a little over 300 pounds when I started this journey last year. I am more confident, in better shape, and I have lost about 55 pounds.

I have never been able to stick to any kind of workout program, so how did I make it a whole year? This is not a program. It is a lifestyle, part of who I am. Wait, what? Did I just say it was a lifestyle? That means that it is something that I choose to do over and over again. Wow!

This last year has been full of emotion. I have cried more that I wanted to (and in front of people), I have been angry, I have been scared, I have been discouraged, I have been encouraged...you get the picture. God has used Camp Gladiator to mold me into this person that is here today. To be completely honest, Camp Gladiator has saved my life. The quality of my life is better.

I don't know what the cg experience is for other people, but for me, it is amazing. My first experiences at camp showed me that there are some great folks in this world and that not everyone thinks I am a loser. I have grown and changed this year and I have watched the girls I started with do the same thing. It seems like it was forever ago that I chased the Lays truck down the street and issued a challenge to the other campers, but it has only been a year. I have changed so much in just a year. I look forward to the many exciting changes that year two will bring...

A year ago, someone looked me in the eye and told me I was worth it. She has become my very best friend. I know that I am still going to struggle, but I know that I have support. This year I will conquer the things that I set out to do. I will not quit! I AM CG STRONG!!!

This is the last post I will make to this blog. I will continue blogging about my journey. The new blog is called Get Fit...The Journey Continues

Be blessed and remember that you are worth the effort! You are capable of more than you realize. I appreciate your support over the past year!

Why

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why you are doing something? I do it all of the time and in every area of my life. I have questioned myself more in the last year than I have in a long time. Why did I let her talk me into this? Why did I react the way I did? Why did I...

My why changes, especially where my fitness journey is concerned. When I started attending Camp Gladiator, my why was to be able to become fit enough to do things with my family. A little later, it was about proving that I could do it. Then, it became about helping Bethany (or feeling like I was helping). I never really made it about me until a few weeks ago.

I had the opportunity to sit down with my friend, Jo, this past weekend. She has been on a similar journey this year. We discussed how hard it has been to go from lazy couch potatoes to active people with fitness goals. We agree it is the most difficult thing we have ever done. So, why are we still doing it? Well, because we are worth it!

Jo and I have been friends for over three decades...to say that we are comfortable with each other is an understatement. It was nice to be able to say what needed to be said without fear of judgement. She just understands. One of the other things we talked about was why we are vocal about our struggles...it boils down to something very simple..YOU. Someone out there reads what we are up to without commenting. This person is watching and trying to decide if this is something that they will be able to do.

You are important and you CAN do this. Will it be easy? Uh, no! Will it change your life? ABSOLUTELY! I still struggle, I still eat all of the wrong things, but I still try. I try to make better choices everyday. The hardest decision I made this year was to become a healthier me...are you ready to join me? 2015 is your year to shine!

Pride and Perspective

Well, it would appear that I have let some negative comments creep in and steal my joy. I have had more than one person imply or directly say that I was wasting my time with the whole get fit thing. I let those words take root and alter my course. I believed the lies that were spoken over me and I am not happy about it.

This year has been full of success for me. My success does not look the same as others, but it is success. The year 2014 started the way so many others have: full of family, food, and poor health. No hope for anything different. Fourteen days into the new year, I had a conversation that changed everything. God set my feet on this path and He did it on purpose so that I would be able to fulfill His purpose in my life. Eleven months later, I weigh 53 pound less. I lost this weight without the aid of the lap-band and without fad diets. I know that I HAVE WORKED HARD. I see this as a success.

See, 2014 changed everything about me. I became an active participant in my life again. I enjoyed activities with my family that I never thought possible. I became a better wife, mom, daughter, and friend. To let angry, jealous people ruin that would be plain stupid. I cannot change their hearts, but God can. I can only be responsible for me. This is where the pride things comes in...

I DO NOT like to break down in front of people. I do not enjoy allowing others to see me struggle. I certainly do not like to have to modify the exercises at camp (I want to do what everyone else does). That is a pride issue and something that God is working on. I let my insecurities get the best of me I let what I think other people think control me. I cannot continue to do this. I know that I know that I know the people I workout with could care less that I have to modify. I know that they don't think any less of me when the workout is hard for me and I get emotional. I know that they care about me. It all boils down to a choice, just like Bethany said, I have to make a choice...and I have. I CHOOSE ME.

I choose to move ahead on my journey. I choose to make myself vulnerable in front of other people. I choose to ignore the people that say I cannot do this and that I am not worth it. I serve a big God and He does big things and I cannot wait to see what He does next.

Be blessed!

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

I have been struggling for months. This is a subject I have tried hard to avoid. Fact is, I am embarrased. I figured out a long time ago that I cannot keep pace with the other campers. That should be okay, right? Their journey and my journey are different. Typically, I am okay with doing things my way, but not here. It is weird. This has become a problem.

I was hurt over the summer...it's not summer anymore. So why am I still right here? The simple answer is I have been making one excuse after another and I am super stubborn. I am afraid I will get hurt...excuse. I don't want to have a modified exercise...excuse. I can't do it...excuse. I will slow everyone down...excuse. I don't want to bother Bethany...excuse.

My insecurities have gotten the best of me. I have been lying to myself for months. The second something gets hard or someone tries to push me, I run away (not literally) and rebel. The emotional turmoil this causes sucks!

I called Bethany the other day and we finally talked about it. I have avoided any kind of fitness related conversation with her for MONTHS. In my head, if we don't talk about it, I don't have to fix it. Makes sense, right? NOPE, it is stupid.

I quit allowing her to push me. Right or wrong, that is what I did. I gave up on myself and in essence her too. Not proud about it, but that is what happened. Those of you that know me know my relationship with her is not just fitness related. She is my friend, so that complicates the situation.

She told me the other day that I can reach my goals, but she can't force me to do it...she is right. It is my choice. I have to decide that I am worth it and quit worrying about what the other folks at camp are going to think when I have to do something different. I have to turn off the friend switch, get my feelings off of my sleeve, and let her do her job for an hour.

She won't push me somewhere I do not want to go and she can't make me do anything. It is unreasonable for her to be expected to do that anyway. I need Bethany, the trainer, to train me and help me become a healthier version of me and not listen to my excuses...but first, I have to decide.

Be blessed!

From Scared to Strong

So many things are going through my mind and my schedule is crammed packed. I have been trying to figure out how to add hours to my day so that I can get in all of the things I need to do. My confidence level is pretty low lately and it is taking an emotional toll on me.

I try to always be positive and I am usually pretty successful. I know that I am able to do things that a year ago would have been impossible. When I am focused, I am great. I have a super support system and I know what I need to be doing, so why is it not happening? The honest answer, I am scared. Yep, I said it...I am afraid. About what? Well, the list is forever long and many of the things on it are just stupid.

A while back, Bethany made a comment to me that I have really been thinking about (for those that do not know, Bethany is my trainer...and my friend). I cannot remember her exact words, but I know the message she was trying to communicate. I hesitate to go full force because I am afraid that I will get hurt again. She is right. I am not giving 100%. I do not like the pain that is associated with the injuries I have suffered in the last few months. It is a vicious cycle...I hesitate because I don't want to get hurt and end up hurting myself because I hesitate. My injuries, for the most part, have healed. I still have a little trouble with my left hip, leg, and knee. It is tons better than it was a few weeks ago.

I have been on this journey nearly 10 months. Some months have been easier than others. I am much stronger than I used to be and I am nearly 50 pounds lighter than I was when I started. I have so much to celebrate, yet, I am stuck.

Fear sucks! I expressed my concerns to Bethany yesterday. I let her know I feel like a failure and that I feel like I have let people down, that I had let her down. Do you want to know what happened? She smiled at me and let me know that she was proud of me. I am still showing up at camp (most of the time)...even if my body will not function properly.

Everyday this week, something or someone has reminded me of the half marathon I have signed up to do. I have to get my butt moving and remember that my goal has nothing to do with how long it takes me to get to the finish line, it is about starting and finishing something that I never dreamed I would do. I am determined to be a life changer. I want people like me to know that ALL THINGS are possible. I am not the same person I was in October of last year...I am strong. How strong? Cg strong...thanks for your encouragement.

Update

It has been a while since I have posted. The past few months have not been the best. I have been recovering from several injuries. I am behind on my training, but I am still blessed!

I went to the doctor before school started and got the go ahead to train for the half marathon. My doctor was very encouraging. I have a few things to work through, but I am going to get there!

I finally stopped drinking sweet tea. I also switched to stevia in my coffee. I feel better and my body has changed. It was not as hard as I thought it would be.

I want to talk about the emotional toll that the injuries have taken on me because I feel like there is someone out there that needs to hear it. I have been very discouraged. I have felt like a failure. I have felt like a disappointment.

I have made an effort to surround myself with people who are on similar journeys as I am. This has been a blessing. However, recently, I feel like I have let these people down. Yes, I realize that this is not reality, I just said I FEEL LIKE...I want, more than anything, to make the people around me proud. I want them to feel like I am really trying to change, because I really am trying. It is just hard to not feel like I have let someone down.

The thing about forming relationships with others is that we become invested in doing things to gain their approval. When we feel like we fall short, it has an emotional affect on us. I have thought about my injuries over and over. I have struggled with the thought that I am hurting myself on purpose or that someone close to me feels like that is what I am doing. I have lost sleep over this issue. I am not a fan of falling down or pulling a muscle and I assure you that I am not doing it on purpose, but the thought bothers me.

There have also been plenty of new people coming to camp. People that I really do not know. Any of you with self esteem issues, like mine, will understand the uneasiness that this causes. Now, I am not saying that these new folks are judging me, I am just saying that it takes me out of my comfort zone. These people do not know how much I have changed in the last nine months. They have not watched me struggle. They have not seen my success.  I know, in time, these new folks will be just as special to me as the folks I started camp with...it is just hard.

My journey is not over. It is far from perfect, but at least I am moving forward. I am going to start and finish the half marathon that I have signed up to compete in. I may come in dead last, and that is perfectly fine with me. I will do it knowing it will change the course of the rest of my life. I will do it for myself. I will do it to prove that I am not who I used to be. I am blessed!

Taking the Next Step

Bethany has been telling me for months that I need to change my diet. Being stubborn, I have basically ignored her and continued on my merry way. Now, I am not saying that I have not been thinking about it, I am just saying that I have been very stubborn and resisting change.

She told me I needed to take some vitamins. I went and purchased them, took them for a couple of days, and forgot. She said I needed extra protein. I asked for suggestions, purchased it, used it, ran out, and didn't buy more...You see, there is a pattern here. It is the same negative pattern I found myself in many times before...do it for a little while and then give up.

My muscles have been screaming for me to provide them with the fuel they need to do the things I am asking them to do. I noticed in May that I was not progressing the way I wanted. I keep getting hurt. Bethany has been faithful to find answers and has been patient with me as I struggle to make better choices. She said something to me the other day that really made me think. I cannot remember her exact words, but it was something similar to this: You have stayed the same for months, it is time to take that next step.

The next step...hmmmm. I didn't really like hearing it, but I knew the second it came out of her mouth exactly what she was trying to say. I cannot expect my body to continue doing the exercise if I am not willing to eat better. My body is not going to respond like some of the (what I call) more advanced campers, unless I am disciplined enough to change some things. I want to be an advanced camper too. I want to be able to demonstrate during the workout and know that my form is right and that my body is able.

I am very proud of the progress I have made since January. I am now 7 months into a journey to be the best me possible. If I am not willing to change, how can I be the best me? I think that the main reason I have resisted a change in my diet is that I really like food. I have an addiction to something that I am not able to put down and never touch again. This addiction is one that developed over many years and for many reasons. Food has been my friend for most of my adult life. I am starting to realize that I have to see my relationship with food differently. It has become a toxic relationship. So, starting today, I am promising to change. I will take my vitamins, eat more protein, and try to make more positive food choices than negative ones. This means that I am going to need support and encouragement.

It is time for me to take the next step on this journey. I will keep you posted. Feel free to offer healthier/cleaner food options for me to try. I know some of you are clean eating experts. I am jumping in, don't let me drown!!!

Be blessed!

Attitude is Important

I had to do something this morning that I did not look forward to doing...my attitude at camp was really stinky on Monday. Today, I apologized. The girls at camp had no clue what I was talking about, evidently, it wasn't as bad as I thought. The thing is, I knew it was bad (and I know Bethany knew it was bad) and I knew I needed to address it.

Camp Gladiator has changed my life. I want others to see the program and the campers the way I saw them in January. I want for people to feel encouraged and supported. I want people's lives to change. How in the world can I help Bethany help others? By being the best camper that I can be and by being completely transparent. I have a responsibility to the other folks that exercise with me. I have to be positive.

Sometimes the workouts are going to be hard, I can accept that fact (afterall, I am paying a trainer to help me get in shape). I cannot accept a negative attitude. I have to be encouraged and I have to encourage. I am constantly looking for ways to become a better person. God often has me look at every area of my life and get rid of anything that is not Christlike. My attitude on Monday was not Christlike. No one noticed, but I knew it.

I never want to be a stumbling block for someone else and I certainly do not want to be the reason that someone does not come to camp. Camp can change lives and I want to be a positive influence on others.

Camp Gladiator's mission is: To positively impact the physical fitness and ultimately the lives of as many people as possible. Am I a gladiator? YES! My job at camp has to be in line with the mission...even when the workout is hard...even when Bethany tells me I need to eat better...even when I don't feel like it!

I fully believe that God qualifies the called, He doesn't call the qualified. I am a part of cg for reasons that I will never fully understand. My goal is to become the best me possible and to make boot camp a place where all people feel welcome and encouraged.

My challenge to my cg family is this: Think about your reasons for being at camp. Think about how your attitude lines up with your goals. AND the big one, join me in making our camps a positive and productive part of our community. We are able to do mighty things when we work together!

Be blessed.

Do you believe?

My shoulder is feeling a little better today. This is a huge blessing! This stupid shoulder injury has been a huge issue for me. I have felt beat down for weeks. I am glad to be on the mend...enough about that.

I have something I want to discuss...how many of you know someone like the big girl in the photos below? I know some of you know me, but think about the other people you know...

Do you see their potential or just their big body? This is something I would like for you to think about. Before Camp Gladiator, I felt like there was no way I could do the things that I am doing now. In the photos above, I weighed around 385 or so pounds. People would describe me as the funny, big lady. Both descriptions would be accurate...I was big and sometimes funny. What you don't see is the hurt. It was more than physical pain, emotionally (behind the smile) I was a mess. I didn't feel like I was worth fighting for...this was 2008. Fast forward to 2014...what a difference.

Do you know someone like me? Do you value them? Do you support them? You might have said yes to all of that, but REALLY think about it. Do you REALLY believe that the fat girl/guy is able to change? Did you really believe me in January? I am not the fat girl in the photo anymore...someone looked past my body and saw my potential. I will never be able to thank this person enough, so I want to pay it forward...

That friend you have may say something about wanting to get in shape. Don't judge them, support them. They may really struggle and may want to quit. Don't judge them, support them. With the right support, the person that looks like my pictures above could begin to change into something different...

AND they are able to do things that seem impossible. Don't ever underestimate the people around you. My story is an example of how impossible things become possible with support.

Be blessed!

Get up, Turkey!

I am having to gauge my success a little differently lately. I have been hurt for a few weeks. I am going to have to go see the doctor about this injury. I have hurt my shoulder.

I have had a tough time this summer. I feel like I am not making progress. I have had to step back and really look at what is going on. I have been at this whole workout thing since January. Six whole months! I have done some amazing things in six months and a few times, I have felt very defeated. In my head, I am what Bethany calls a "veteran camper"...I am no longer a "newbie" and can demonstrate certain exercises...so, in my head, I should be able to keep up with the other campers. Makes sense to my brain, but my body does not like it. When I push too hard, I get hurt. My shoulder being hurt is the result of me trying to do a tricep dip on the curb...I actually did two of them. I hurt my shoulder on the first attempt (it even made a popping noise), but attempted it again because I didn't think it was that bad...four weeks later, it is still hurting!

If my success was measured by push ups and tricep dips, I would have to say I am failing MISERABLY...thankfully, that is not the measure of my success. When I started attending Camp Gladiator, I could not do a single sit up. Not one...earlier this week, I did 40+ of them. I have not been able to do any of the exercises that have "get ups" in the title because I had to use my hands to push myself up. The one positive thing about having a hurt shoulder is that I cannot use that arm to push myself up off of the ground.Tuesday morning, I saw Turkish Get ups on the board. I thought, "Oh, great! Another exercise I am not going to be able to do." Well, I was wrong. I did four of them! I am not sure how to describe what they are, but you start out on your back and end up on your feet. It uses your core muscles...

Be blessed!

Pressure

The last seven days have been pretty rough. My stress level is reaching the all I can handle level...I know this because I have been fighting a migraine for a few hours. I am not really sleeping. I am not drinking enough water. I am not getting enough exercise. All I want to do is eat (but I am not doing this). Bryan summed it up pretty well today. He said, "Sounds like you have a bad case of the I don't wannas along with a bad case of the I wannas." He means, I don't wanna do what I need to do and I wanna do what I shouldn't! He is right...

I have been trying to figure out what in the world is going on with me. I do want to change. I do want to feel better. I do want to improve the quality of my life. I am, however, really having a hard time. Bethany issues me one challenge after another and I try to do what she says. Sometimes, I fail. I will get started on one and start to feel a little success and she will up it. Let me give you an example...when I got the treadmill, she challenged me to walk two miles each time. I was starting to have some success and then she said to do a 5k. I tried it. I did it, but it was hard and I haven't been able to keep up...she doesn't know this (until now). I haven't had the opportunity to discuss this with her.

I have had so many people telling me what they think I should do and I have become overwhelmed. Scott (my husband) would say something about me needing to get on the treadmill and I wouldn't do it. A friend at camp said she was going to do 5ks too and she wanted me to text her when I had done mine. She hasn't had a text yet. I am blocked, mentally speaking. I have the ability to walk/jog a 5k, so what the heck is going on? The only thing I can think of is that I am on overload and have too many folks telling me what to do.

Bethany and I are friends, but she is also my trainer. I know that she takes into consideration my limitations when she issues me a challenge. I listen to her. The difference between a challenge from her and one from Scott is only different in my mind. It makes me mad for Scott to tell me what he thinks I need to be doing. He means well, but his delivery needs some work. (Now, don't get upset about me saying this about my spouse. He and I have discussed this and he knows I am talking about it.)

I have a tendency to be stubborn. My mom can tell you story after story about me learning things the hard way. There are times that I will do the complete opposite of what I am supposed to do, just because someone said that I needed to do something or when someone expects they are going to make me do something (my mom can tell you about all of that too). Growing up an only child has not always served me well...and I think this may be the case here.

You see, Scott and I had a very long conversation about all of this the other day. I have so many well intentioned people telling me what to do. Trying to hold me to account. I don't want or need that right now. I need folks to pray for me and to encourage me. I need the people close to me to accept me just like I am and understand that I am giving all I can and I am having a tough time. I don't need to have folks checking to see that I have walked or telling me I need to. I know I need to. I can check in with Bethany and she can tell me what to do.

Right now, I need support, but not in the way that folks would normally support. I need to hear that what I am doing is good, that you see the effort that is being made, that you recognize that I am having a hard time. I might need a hug or a pat on the back, but I do not need extra pressure. I am doing the best I can...and I have not quit.

Be blessed.

Trying Not to Drown!

This whole eat better thing is HARD!!! I made more positive choices than negative, but I really struggled. I feel like I am swimming, but cannot keep my head above the water. Today, I found out that someone close to me is having health issues and instead of going to the treadmill, I went to the food. I am still an emotional eater.

In the past, this behavior would have made me numb to the news. Tonight, it didn't. Instead of the comfort from the food, I am dealing with feeling of guilt for a choice that I know was not healthy. I feel like I have failed miserably and that somehow the people around me are going to think less of me because of it. My insecurities are really showing. I know that the people that really know me know that I am still struggling. Hey, I am pretty open about my struggles.

I am a people pleaser. I don't like conflict and I don't like to let people down, especially people that I care about. I know that I am way harder on myself than anyone could ever be on me, but it still makes me uneasy. I have to learn that I need to focus on me and worry less about what others think.

I also need to replace this need to run to food with something healthier...so, I will be working on this. I will go to the treadmill instead of the refrigerator.

Still a work in progress and thankful for this journey (even when it is hard)!

Be blessed!

New Challenges

Spending time with Bethany always leaves me with something to think about and sometimes ends in a challenge. For weeks, I have been plagued with injuries. Pulled muscles and a hurt shoulder are a couple of examples. I have tried to stretch properly, but I still hurt myself once a week. It gets very discouraging.

Bethany set out to find an answer. She did research and asked a trainer friend of hers what he thought. They decided that my body does not have the right fuel to do what I am asking it to do. I have been very slow to change my eating habits. Bethany said I need more protein and that I need to start eating a cleaner diet.

She knows just when to tell me things and has an amazing ability to knock down every excuse I come up with. She also gives me Biblical reasons to back up what she is saying and she reminds me that this journey will help Bryan and his children make healthier choices. Boy, she knows how to get right to my heart!

So, I have spent a few hours processing what she said and will start making changes to my diet. Protein first and add more vegetables and I will do my best to avoid fried things and empty carbs. And then there is this whole taking vitamins thing...I guess I will do that to. I will have to set an alarm on my phone (I got this idea from my friend Liz)!

The other challenge she issued is to complete three 5ks a week on my treadmill...every other day I need to walk 3.1 miles and vary the speed and incline. 

Game on, Bethany Nelson! I am all in...

Be blessed!

Are you limiting your potential?

I am not sure where to start with this post...I have had an interesting week. I think I would like to work through the whole self-confidence thing. Self-confidence has always been a struggle.

I have worked for years to convince others that I have it all together. This has worked well. Most folks have no idea...well, until I started Camp Gladiator. The folks I work out with have seen me cry more times than I like to admit. There is just something about exercise that breaks me down, but this makes me stronger.

Camp Gladiator has made me realize that I am not alone in my struggle. We all have our insecurities. I have spent a good amount of time thinking about mine. Many of them are based on how I think I am supposed to look based on what the world says. Have you watched TV recently? The commercials that come on very rarely have larger folks in them. Have you opened a magazine in the last few weeks? All of their advertisers use small folks too. I have a very warped idea of what I am supposed to look like...

Scott and I watched the end of the Miss America pageant. Beautiful, thin women strutting their stuff on stage. The winner is a beautiful women! In the days after, I was shocked by all of the news about the pageant. One of the other contestants was in the news...she is a size 4 and was upset about point deductions in the swimsuit competition. Evidently, she was too big. Huh? Size 4 and too big? How in the world am I supposed to have a healthy self image when a size 4 is too big? That's just crazy!

Here is what I decided. I am looking in the wrong place to set a standard for myself. Now, don't get all worked up when I say this, but I am okay being bigger than most women. I really don't want to be a size 4. I don't think I was ever a size 4. I want to be healthy and happy. I want to be surrounded by people that care about me for who I am and not what I look like. I want people to encourage me on  my journey and check on me when they see the tears or notice a change in the way I interact with others. I want to be an encourager. I want more out of my life.

I came across this on facebook:

It says it all. By myself I am not able...with God I am. Are you working too hard to be something you are not? Stop it!

Be blessed!

Me

This getting fit thing is harder than I ever expected it to be. It might not be so bad if it only required physical activity. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard if I felt invincible. I might do better if it wasn't so hot in the evening. Working out makes me feel vulnerable.

One would think that going from the PM workout to the AM workout would be an easy transition, after all, it is the same kind of workout, just earlier in the day. Well, it has not been easy for me. It is really early in the morning and there is a different group of people. I know most of them so it should be easy...but it is not. I feel like a fish out of water in the morning. I am having a tough time.

Reality, for me, is that it is too stinking hot at 6 pm for me to workout. This leaves the 5 am workout. I am not much on mornings. I have always been told that I am not a morning person. It is not that I don't like seeing people in the morning, I just prefer to be awake for a couple of hours before I am required to be social. Being with new folks means that I have to try to figure them out. I have to figure out what makes them tick...and doing this in the morning is HARD! LOL

I think that Scott may be on to something when he says that I need to quit thinking about everyone else. Even at 5 am, this is my workout. It is not about anyone else, it is not about how secure (or insecure) I feel, it is not about being social.  It is about ME. It is about me becoming physically fit.

Be blessed!

Hot Stuff! ;)

Whew! It is HOT out there!I went to camp on Monday evening and gave it my all...well, at least the all my body would allow! I went home, cooked dinner for my family, and sat down near the air conditioner to try to cool off. It just wasn't happening. I ran some lukewarm water in the tub and hopped in...nope. Then I had chills followed by nausea and a migraine headache. The headache was BAD! It didn't become bearable until about 4 am and it didn't go away completely until late Tuesday evening.

You may be wondering why in the world I chose to workout in the heat...and to be real honest, that is what I was thinking as I was trying to figure out how to make that headache go away. The honest answer is I don't like to get up early. I decided that I would set myself up to fail if I continued to go to the evening camp, so I am going to start going in the mornings. I do not like to get up, but I hate having migraines and throwing up...so...

I am trying to drink enough water, but it is difficult. I am trying to listen to my body, but I am a people pleaser and when someone tells me to push I am going to push. I am trying to be okay doing modified exercise, but it hurts my pride. I am trying to not be prideful...so, one step at a time. Mornings are cooler and I will be able to continue to go to to camp.

This morning, I ventured out before most of my neighbors were awake. I drove on empty streets. I went to camp. I stopped on my warm up lap to watch the birds and listen to them sing, I smiled. I warmed up. I worked out...better than I have in weeks. I have decided that it is going to be okay, this whole getting up early thing will not kill me. I will miss the folks at the evening camp, but will go back when the temperatures drop again...until then, I am working my plan and meeting my goals. Are you working your plan and meeting your goals?

Be blessed!

Struggling to Stay Positive

My friend, Julie, posted something on facebook and it really made me think...she said:

"It never fails. The day you feel like crap someone comes along and says something horrible to you. and it feels like the whole world woke up just trying to bring you down. No matter what your day is like stop the cycle so that it doesn't continue. Someone somewhere needs you to stay POSITIVE. Maybe it's the guy who's trying to get on the highway, or the girl who checked you out at the grocery store. Even when someone mistreats you turn around and smile at them. Whatever their problem is, most likely its not about you. So stay positive and maybe...just maybe they will continue the positive attitude."

You know, this is great advice, but I think there is more to it. I have been struggling with my attitude toward working out. I have fallen way short recently in the staying positive area. I sincerely apologize. Julie's post was a wake up call for me. I may not be the most fit girl at boot camp, but people notice me. When my attitude is not right, people see it. Trying to maintain a positive attitude about my workout honors God. It says that I appreciate the effort that is being made on my behalf by Bethany and the other campers.

I have to try harder to stay focused on the most important part of my journey...my relationships. My relationship with God, first and foremost, and then with my family and my friends. My outlook has to focus upward. If my vertical relationship (God) is in line, my horizontal relationships will flourish.

So, what does this have to do with my workout? Well, it is pretty simple. I will put more effort into becoming the fit me. I will do it, most of the time, with a good attitude. I will choose joy, because someone may need me!

Be blessed!

Broken but not Defeated

Broken...have you ever thought what it would be like to be broken? Not like a broken bone, more like a realization that you cannot do something by yourself. Well, that is what I have thought about today.

It is not a surprise to people that know me that I feel things deeply. I tend to think about things over and over. I become concerned about being a burden on the people around me. I fear failure and disappointing people. Sometimes these feeling are easily put back in their place and sometime they fester up and bubble out for others to see. That is what happened on Saturday.

Saturday was the 20 minute workout. I did not want to participate. I did not even want to go to Tolar. Saturday morning, I was dealing with the stress of the week and I just didn't want to see anyone...and then I got a text from a friend asking me to come. She said she was really struggling and needed me to come to encourage her. This text conversation was followed by a facebook comment from Bethany and a text from another cg friend. All of the messages encouraging me to come. My attitude was bad, but I am a loyal friend. I got dressed, got in the car and went to the track. I don't think I said more than a dozen words to anyone and I did not do the 20 minute workout. Emotionally, I was spent. I did my warm up lap and went back to the area where Bethany was setting up. I sat down and just started to cry.

I have been quietly struggling with my confidence for a couple of months. I am good at keeping most people from knowing what is going on, at least for a while. Now, before any of you get worked up and start telling me how great I am doing, you need to know that I struggle to see what you see. I want to see this person that you see, but what I see instead is a person that is really having a hard time believing that I am going to be able to do the things that I hoped to do. I can't seem to get past the injuries that keep happening (Bethany and I are working on this with modifications). I am embarrassed that I cannot do the things that the others do, although no one has ever said anything about it. My insecurities are hanging out for the world to see...and you know what? That is perfectly fine with me because fact is, I am not able to do this...not on my own anyway. Crystal (and others) reminds me often that I can do all things through Christ...

On Saturday, I walked the track and tried to figure things out. I played with a sweet three year old who insisted that I jump in the water puddles and follow him up and down the bleachers and all over the place. That sweet baby made me laugh for the first time in days, kids are good like that! I faced the fact that to be strong, I have to be broken, you know, I have to admit that I need God's help. He has surrounded me with an amazing group of women. He has also given me a husband that supports my decision to become fit. Scott is willing to work extra hours and odd jobs just to be able to pay for my boot camp. What a gift. And, God sent me a trainer that has become like family. I know without a doubt that God knew I would need her.

So now what? Well, since the half marathon seems impossible (I am still planning to do it), my goal right now is to get back into my routine and get to where I can jog/run a whole stinking lap without stopping...then two...then three...I think you get the picture. The big goal is a little overwhelming today so I am going to break it down into manageable chunks. I think I have used this before, but do you know how you eat an elephant? That's right, one bite at a time. Do you know how you run a half marathon? One step at a time...gotta get to steppin...

Don't give up on me, I really am trying!

Be blessed!

I DON'T WANT TO...

Well, after a week at home and the few weeks before this one, I don't want to go to workout. Yes, I said it and I own it. My self confidence is super low and I have felt horrible. I know that has a lot to do with the way I feel...but still, I don't want to.

So, I sit here in front of my computer typing and praying and hoping that I will get out of this funk. I am having a big ole pity party I guess. Tomorrow is 20 minute workout and I am considering just staying home. I don't think it is possible for me to beat my time from last month, especially with the crazy month I have had, and I am not sure that I am in the mood to deal with the emotional breakdown that it will cause.

I know, get up and go...at least try...blah, blah, blah...I will let you know what happens. Pray for me.

Be blessed!

Modify or Quit

Being a teacher, I know about modified curriculum. I know why modifications are made. I know that they are intended to help the person become successful. So, why is it so hard to allow Bethany to modify my workouts? I know that it needs to be done because I keep hurting myself.

I really want to do the things she asks me to do, you know, the way the other campers do, but my body just will not allow me to do it. In my head, I can do it. My legs tell a different story. I want to do it (most of the time).

I am forced to face the fact that my body is not ready to respond. So I have to make a decision: Do I go with the modifications or do I quit? I have seriously thought about both and have made a decision. A hard decision. One that will require me to admit that I am not ready and require me to swallow my pride. One that some people will not fully understand, but one that most will support.

You see, I am not the same person that I was on January 17, 2014. That Kristy Stuart could not do a jumping jack or a sit up...this Kristy Stuart can. The Kristy from January would have quit after the first injury...this Kristy is dealing with the third injury. So...

I am not a quitter. I have to keep going. I will swallow my pride and continue to train because I cannot catch Crystal yet, but I am still coming! Seriously, God is using this to get rid of tons of junk that I have stored up and as much as the physical part of this hurts sometimes, working through the mental part of this is what is making me healthy. I am tough...I am strong...I am able...I am a Gladiator!

Be blessed!