Learning to trust

I don't know about the rest of you, but I discovered today that it is not possible to compartmentalize my life. I have worked hard for years to keep certain people in my life at a safe distance. You know, give everyone labels. Church friend, work friend, high school friend, childhood friend...and very rarely have I let my walls down enough for people in those groups to cross into another group...then I started Camp Gladiator.

Remember me telling you that I was a master wall builder? Well, evidently I lied. Not on purpose, but I did.  My wall building ability really stinks. They keep crumbling and falling to the ground...it may not be that my walls are not fortified, because they are. It is that God is the one knocking them down. When God sets out to set you free from bondage, you will be free...even if He has to drag you kicking and screaming the whole way.

What in the world does this have to do with me getting fit? Being physically, mentally, and (for me) spiritually fit go hand in hand. The walls I have built have to be knocked down. God revealed some things to me this afternoon: 1) I have to trust people. Not everyone that enters my life is going to hurt me. 2) I have to be okay with a smaller personal space. Not everyone that gets close has a desire to hurt me 3) I have to open up. Someone around me needs to be encouraged.

I had to face fear today. Not on the workout mat, but standing in the church house. See, I went to a women's conference to see Bethany sing. Some of the girls from bootcamp were there (that whole line crossing thing was going on) and I was very uncomfortable. God has been trying to work in me for a few weeks and I have stubbornly ignored Him. Here is the truth: I did not want the girls from bootcamp to know that God was trying to deal with my junk. I did not want to deal with it in front of them. I did not want to be vulnerable in front of them because that would mean that I would have to trust them. God was not as concerned about my personal comfort, He came to do business with me. And He did just that...

I was angry with God today. Yes, I said it...flat out angry. And I was stubborn and guess who was there and made me deal with it head on (although she didn't realize it). Yes, Bethany (another line crosser). I had seperated myself from the group to try to get myself together and she happened to see me. She walked up and said what's up, you know, like she does at camp. I wouldn't answer...today, I was not a camper and she was not my trainer and God was really working on some stuff and I did not want to talk about it, so I didn't. She sat down next to me, laid her hands on me, and prayed. That is when I realized just how far past my walls she was. She prayed for me the way I pray for Bryan. You know, right from the heart with no judgement, full of love and compassion. And I got mad. Not at Bethany, but at God. He put me in this situation, allowed Bethany to figure me out and get pats all of the walls I put up, and other folks followed her around. Not only that, but He was allowing it to be played out in a public place.

I don't know if any of you have ever tried to dig in your heels when God is trying to work, but I can tell you it doesn't work. He will remove all of your excuses and send folks to speak truth to you and not back down. I finally gave in and dealt with what was bothering me. I don't want to go into the specifics here, because it was very personal and handled face to face...I will say that releasing the fear associated with trusting others changed me today. My eyes were opened.

It is not possible for me to become physically fit without becoming mentally fit. It is not possible for me mentally fit without becoming spiritually fit. Becoming spiritually fit is not possible without trust. Trust in God and in the people I consider my friends. I am Kristy Stuart. I am Strong. I am Beautiful. I am Smart. I am Forgiven. I am Worthy. I am Brave. I am Changed. I am Whole.

Bethany, Jean,  Liz, Crystal, Jherri, Shawna, Meghan, Rhonda, Beth (and so many more), I need you to know that I trust you to encourage and support me in my fitness journey. God has made an effort to surround me with bold, powerful, encouraging folks. He doesn't make mistakes. You are a part of my life because God ordained it. He knows that I need you and that you need me. So, starting now, there is not a personal space surrounding me...if you feel led to hug me, do it. If you feel led to encourage me, do it. If I am slacking and God tells you to call me out, do it. I will work hard to make sure that my feeling are in my pocket...I am learning to trust, be patient. Thank you for being who you are...

Be blessed!

Hurt

This has been an interesting week.  During the first part of my workout on Monday, I hurt my leg. I did a good job! I didn't know that it was possible to hurt myself the way I did...it wasn't a difficult exercise. A weighted Get Up. You have to sit down and then get back up without using your hands...I have done these successfully in a previous workout. There is not even any jumping involved, but it really hurt!

In the hospital, when I had back surgery, they would come ask me about my pain level. On a scale of 1-10, how is your pain...and I would tell them (after my surgery) that it was about 4.5 or 5...for those of you that do not know, I had to have major back surgery 7 years ago.  The doctor told me that if I had waited another week, I would have been paralyzed. Morphine didn't even touch the pain...why do I bring it up? Well, because the pain I experienced on Monday was almost as bad as the back pain I experienced. I have a high pain threshold, so for me to cry, it has to be bad.

The worst part of all of it is that I wanted to try to push through the pain and keep doing my workout...I couldn't. So, I didn't...and on Tuesday, I got up and drove to the 5 am workout, still in pain. I walked up, told Bethany that my leg still really hurt and that I had only had three hours of sleep. She told me to go back home.

Being hurt messes with me mentally. I want for Bethany to be proud of me (and for the record, I know she is when I am not in my head). I try hard to give an honest effort at nearly every workout. It is hard...266 pounds of flesh, trying to jump and run and bend, doesn't  always cooperate and when there is a malfunction, it is worse. Tonight, I was VERY frustrated. I wanted to do it, but I didn't want to further injure my leg. I had to put myself in timeout. I walked away from the workout area and walked a lap around the track...something I knew I could do without too much discomfort.

I was just walking and trying to clear my head. One whole lap down and I was going to start another one...and then I heard Bethany calling my name. I knew I was about to have to face what was going on and deal with it...she said something like: What's up, tell me what is going on. I had to look at her and tell her I was frustrated and that I really wanted to do what she was asking me to do, but it really hurt. I told her that I didn't want her to be disappointed in me because I was really trying to do it, my leg just didn't want to cooperate.

I have mentioned before that I trust her...she busted down my walls faster than anyone I have ever met. I am comfortable enough with her to tell her anything and to listen to what she says, even if I don't like what she is saying. When I told her I was afraid I was disappointing her, I knew what she was going to say. "Get out of your head." She tells me that more than once a week. Even when I think I am hiding it, she knows. She has figured me out. 

I need to be able to express my fear and be honest about what is going on in my head because I need to work through the junk. I need to have a person that will listen and redirect, without judgement. I need to be challenged when I am not giving my all...and I have that at Camp Gladiator. I am doing things I never thought possible and I am making new friends. Sometimes, it hurts...mentally and physically, but I am so worth it!

Be blessed!

Three Fs: Fear, Frustration, and (perceived) Failure

This has not been a good week for me. Fear and frustration are my enemy. I did not push myself this week because I was afraid I would have an asthma attack. Asthma attacks cause panic attacks which really embarrass me.

My week started with breathing treatments. The wind blew in something that made it very difficult for me to breathe. I skipped Monday's workout because I was not feeling well. Put on top of that that I am very frustrated with my perceived lack of ability and an overall bad attitude and you end up with my week.

It feels like everything I have done this week has been wrong. Personal decisions, professional decisions, nothing seems to feel right. I don't like that this was my reality this week, but it was. I do not feel good about most of the workouts I did this week. When I don't give 100%, I only cheat myself. I have been an emotional mess and have worked hard to hide it. I have felt insecure and I have been a little grouchy.

I did manage to do a couple of things, this week, that I feel like I can brag about...1) I got my cousin to come to camp with me and she signed up and 2) I jogged (remember, my "jog" is like most people's walk) almost all the way around the track and only stopped once and walked only a little bit.

So now what? Well, I need to figure out how to only use my inhaler if I am having an actual attack. I leave it on the check-in table when I get to boot camp (this makes me uncomfortable, thankfully, there are several people at camp that can really run...just in case there is an issue). I need to figure out the root cause of my insecurities...I want for people to be proud of me, but how can I expect that when I cannot figure out how to be proud of myself?

I have discovered, this week, that although I left a ton of "junk" on the foam glow course, there is so much more that has to be dealt with. I think the most important thing is the way I look at myself. I can tell you I am strong, that I am beautiful, I am confident, but without action on my part, those are useless words. I need to pray more and complain less. I need to trust God with my fear and give an honest effort. And apparently, I need to be a little easier on myself, because in reality, I have done things in the last two months that I never thought were possible.

I need to be mentally and physically healthy.

Be blessed!

Stronger...

This past week was our Spring break. It started the way all the others did, you know, sleeping in and being lazy. By Wednesday, I felt terrible. I decided that I needed to get out of the house and get some exercise. That's what I did...I went to the track and walked.

Some of you are probably wondering why I didn't go to boot camp. Camp Gladiator schedules a recovery week between camps. During the recovery week, I can attend free Bold workouts (this is the benefit of being a bold member). I attended it too, it was at 5 am on Thursday. We also have 20 minute workout during our week "off"...

Twenty minute workout is (in my opinion) the hardest workout I have ever done. It is always the same. Bethany does it with us. I remember how hard it was for me in January, I felt so defeated. I am glad Bethany made me finish. This workout is designed to let us see how much improvement we have made during camp.

I beat my time again! Not by much, but I was better, 43 minutes and 17 seconds...a little over two minutes faster than last time. I was shocked. You see, I didn't think I would be able to beat the time from last time...and I wouldn't have if Bethany hadn't kept me focused...I was VERY distracted!

I have thought about several things this week...one of the major things would be this: It is okay to whine, it is okay to struggle, it is okay to complain a little bit, but it is not okay to quit.

Right now, you may want to give up. Don't do that...find someone to support you and keep going. Find that strong person that is inside of you (there really is one in there) and make it your goal to become the best person you can be.

Buddy week is coming up. I would love for you to be my guest at Camp Gladiator. I would love to support you and watch you grow! You are stronger than you think...

Be blessed!

March 8, 2014, The date that changed me!

March 8, 2014 changed me...I faced my fear head on. Before you read any further, I am going to be honest about my thoughts along the way...pity party included, cg girls, it has nothing to do with you...it is all mental and God is working on me!

Have I mentioned that I hate being last? Well, it is true. I have been dealing with this very thing since I started boot camp. I cannot keep pace with the other girls. Boy, it makes me mad sometimes! I enjoyed the Foam Glow (almost) 5k, kind of...I enjoyed the car ride there and home, and the company at dinner, and the wait for the event to start.  The actual walk/run was something else all together. It was intimidating. I didn't know what to expect and there were people everywhere...and I didn't know many of them.  The ones I did know were finished long before me. I can't tell you how long before me, I didn't ask. I know that it took me 1:10:12 to walk the 2.76 miles (that's why I added almost above). Just me, God, my music, and a few thousand strangers. I started the race feeling worthless and believing I was too fat to finish.

I don't think I was even a mile into the walk when my phone rang the first time. I would guess since it was Bethany, that she was finished...I am not sure, because I didn't answer. See, me and God were having a meeting. Right there on that stinky sidewalk with the river view. I was trying my best to convince Him that I could not do this, He was very patiently listening and directing the songs on my pandora. Each song gave me the courage to keep moving...You are beautiful, don't look back, keep encouraging...this seemed to be the theme. I smiled, I cried, and at one point I was walking along with my hands in the air praising God for His faithfulness.

I experienced every emotion possible. I was so nervous before we started that Bethany told me to get out of my head (she tells me this all of the time). I was angry because I was walking with all of these people I didn't know. I was sad because I thought I would fail. I was encouraged when I came upon a overweight couple walking along the course that appeared to be struggling just like me (I did take the music out of my ear to offer an encouraging word) because I knew I was not alone. I was excited when I realized that I was nearly finished.

I told Scott that I thought I would have enjoyed the experience more had I had someone with me...you know, just walking/running with me. I am not sure that I would have got as much out of the experience if that had been the case. I started that race feeling weak and discouraged and I struggled along the way. I crossed the finish line (running) with my head held high. I felt like I had accomplished something. God has to break me down to build me up and that is what He did.

It was interesting to walk across the ball field toward the girls that I went with...I knew they would be excited. I knew they would be proud. I knew that at least two of them would be waiting, because I rode with them (ha)...and I knew that at least one more would be there because she looked me in the eyes and told me to do my best and she would be waiting for me when I finished. That helped me push through the desire to quit. What those girls don't know is that the person that they saw at the end of the race was not the person that started it.

You see, I left some junk on that sidewalk. I left fear and shame out on that course. I left weakness with them. I left I can't too...I discovered that I am tough and am able to do far more than I ever believed possible. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am able. I am not a fat girl. I am a fit girl in a body that is changing and I am proud of the things that I have accomplished!

This journey is one of the hardest journeys that I have ever been on. I would not be able to do what I do without the encouragement that I get from the people around me. I have made an effort to surround myself with strong, encouraging people. My support system makes a huge difference. So, thanks to all of you that encourage and support me!  I am a new person! I would love to support and encourage you, how can I help?

Be blessed!

Power...

One of the things that I have been working in is to discover the fit person inside of me. I have come to the realization that she is in there. She is fit. She is confident. She is bold. Now, I just have to get out of the way and let her shine.

This past week was filled with success and failure. I am still really struggling to make positive choices related to my diet and overall fitness. Now, don't misunderstand, I made more positive changes than negative choices. I am still making progress. I have tried to replace most of my sweet tea with water. I only had tea four times this week. I am trying to cut back on the amount of sugar and cream in my coffee...uh, that is DIFFICULT!!! I am trying to balance my meals by eating more veggies and smaller portions.

This has also been a good week for me. I am starting to make real connections to the people that I am on this journey with...I posted on facebook about having more friends in the Granbury area.  Before Camp Gladiator, I had a handful of friends here. Now, I have many. I bumped into one of the girls from camp yesterday while I was waiting to have lunch with a friend. It made my heart happy that she recognized me in something other than my sweats (HA!).

Change is not easy for me. I have been okay with things being the way they are for way too long. Same hair style, same clothes, same friends...you get the picture. Change makes me uncomfortable. I like knowing what to expect. Well, I have discovered change is necessary. The way I have been doing things is not working. I was getting bigger and bigger and my life was out of control. My world has been in chaos for several years. Something interesting happened...I decided that I was going to make one change...a haircut and Bethany decided that she was going to go with me. I can't exactly tell you when she busted down my walls, but I can tell you that she managed to get past my defenses. She is not just my coworker, not just my trainer (those are just benefits), she is my trusted friend. She boldly speaks truth into my life and helps me see that I am worth fighting for.

Last night, I was able to see that the things I deal with are not unique. Confidence comes from God and believing that we are special. The person we are able to see may not be the person we should really see.  There is POWER in the ability to speak truth into someone's life and help them to see past the junk in their way. I want to be powerful. I want to help people see that they can. I want to inspire folks to get up and try. I cannot do this without change.

Tonight, I will put on my exercise pants (with the shorts Scott bought me over them), my running shoes, and my white Foam Glow 5k t shirt and set out to change into the bold, beautiful, strong person that I am supposed to be. A 5k is not very far, really, but it is significant. I will start as the Kristy Stuart that shows up and I will finish as the Kristy Stuart that has conquered another step in her journey to be a new, more powerful person!

What will you do today to find that powerful person that lives in you?

I am praying that you find the courage to get up and become the best you possible. I believe in you!

Be blessed!

Go Big or Go Home

Well, every journey has adventure, right?  This one will too...many of them. I have decided that I am going to be serious about this training thing.

I mentioned a goal on facebook the other day and I have given myself a deadline.  I didn't pick a small goal either...on March 1, 2015, I will start and finish the Cowtown Half Marathon. Yep, you read that correctly, I am going to run 13.1 miles.  My goal (as of today) is to finish. I will be more specific about this goal as the day approaches.

I am scared to death! I have to focus.  I have to run. I have to make healthier choices.  Most importantly, I have to believe that this is possible!

It seems impossible at this second...but so does eating an elephant. Do you know how you eat an elephant? One bite at a time...Do you know how you run 13.1 miles? One step at a time!

I need support. I need support from my cg friends.  I need support from my family. I need support from my friends. AND I need prayer!

Please, be positive about this goal. I realize that it is a big goal. I realize that it is going to be difficult. I am starting to believe in myself and I am asking you to believe in me too...


Be Blessed!

Excited...

I have never been one to get excited about physical activity, that is until now. It seems really funny to me. I cannot explain it, it just makes me feel good.

I have noticed that I talk about boot camp all of the time.  I can't wait to get to work to share with Susan the newest exercise that Bethany has made me do. I even demonstrate.

I did four real push ups last week.  I know, four doesn't sound like many, but I can tell you that it is a BIG deal. I have really come a long way since my first workout.

The hardest thing for me is still the mental part. I feel like people are thinking that I am really slow, Bethany says that it is not true. Whatever negative thing I think, people around me see it differently. They see the determination to finish and the desire to change. She says that people view me as an inspiration and that I encourage them to push harder...how about that?

I have never stopped to look at my journey from someone else's perspective. I have only thought about it being about me. Seems a little selfish. I don't mean to be selfish. I think it may help for me to look at the impact I am making on others. I have decided to live out Camp Gladiator's mission statement. It is:

Our mission is to positively impact the physical fitness and ultimately
the lives of as many people as possible.

  

What does that mean? That means that I am going to think about others. It means that I am going to encourage others. It means I am going to be bold about sharing the difference that Bethany, through Camp Gladiator, makes in my life. I will help promote cg and encourage others to find the gladiator that lives inside of them.

I will continue to be honest about my journey. It has not been easy. I have struggled, but every struggle will result in success. I am determined to change and I am EXCITED!

Be Blessed!