Learning to trust

I don't know about the rest of you, but I discovered today that it is not possible to compartmentalize my life. I have worked hard for years to keep certain people in my life at a safe distance. You know, give everyone labels. Church friend, work friend, high school friend, childhood friend...and very rarely have I let my walls down enough for people in those groups to cross into another group...then I started Camp Gladiator.

Remember me telling you that I was a master wall builder? Well, evidently I lied. Not on purpose, but I did.  My wall building ability really stinks. They keep crumbling and falling to the ground...it may not be that my walls are not fortified, because they are. It is that God is the one knocking them down. When God sets out to set you free from bondage, you will be free...even if He has to drag you kicking and screaming the whole way.

What in the world does this have to do with me getting fit? Being physically, mentally, and (for me) spiritually fit go hand in hand. The walls I have built have to be knocked down. God revealed some things to me this afternoon: 1) I have to trust people. Not everyone that enters my life is going to hurt me. 2) I have to be okay with a smaller personal space. Not everyone that gets close has a desire to hurt me 3) I have to open up. Someone around me needs to be encouraged.

I had to face fear today. Not on the workout mat, but standing in the church house. See, I went to a women's conference to see Bethany sing. Some of the girls from bootcamp were there (that whole line crossing thing was going on) and I was very uncomfortable. God has been trying to work in me for a few weeks and I have stubbornly ignored Him. Here is the truth: I did not want the girls from bootcamp to know that God was trying to deal with my junk. I did not want to deal with it in front of them. I did not want to be vulnerable in front of them because that would mean that I would have to trust them. God was not as concerned about my personal comfort, He came to do business with me. And He did just that...

I was angry with God today. Yes, I said it...flat out angry. And I was stubborn and guess who was there and made me deal with it head on (although she didn't realize it). Yes, Bethany (another line crosser). I had seperated myself from the group to try to get myself together and she happened to see me. She walked up and said what's up, you know, like she does at camp. I wouldn't answer...today, I was not a camper and she was not my trainer and God was really working on some stuff and I did not want to talk about it, so I didn't. She sat down next to me, laid her hands on me, and prayed. That is when I realized just how far past my walls she was. She prayed for me the way I pray for Bryan. You know, right from the heart with no judgement, full of love and compassion. And I got mad. Not at Bethany, but at God. He put me in this situation, allowed Bethany to figure me out and get pats all of the walls I put up, and other folks followed her around. Not only that, but He was allowing it to be played out in a public place.

I don't know if any of you have ever tried to dig in your heels when God is trying to work, but I can tell you it doesn't work. He will remove all of your excuses and send folks to speak truth to you and not back down. I finally gave in and dealt with what was bothering me. I don't want to go into the specifics here, because it was very personal and handled face to face...I will say that releasing the fear associated with trusting others changed me today. My eyes were opened.

It is not possible for me to become physically fit without becoming mentally fit. It is not possible for me mentally fit without becoming spiritually fit. Becoming spiritually fit is not possible without trust. Trust in God and in the people I consider my friends. I am Kristy Stuart. I am Strong. I am Beautiful. I am Smart. I am Forgiven. I am Worthy. I am Brave. I am Changed. I am Whole.

Bethany, Jean,  Liz, Crystal, Jherri, Shawna, Meghan, Rhonda, Beth (and so many more), I need you to know that I trust you to encourage and support me in my fitness journey. God has made an effort to surround me with bold, powerful, encouraging folks. He doesn't make mistakes. You are a part of my life because God ordained it. He knows that I need you and that you need me. So, starting now, there is not a personal space surrounding me...if you feel led to hug me, do it. If you feel led to encourage me, do it. If I am slacking and God tells you to call me out, do it. I will work hard to make sure that my feeling are in my pocket...I am learning to trust, be patient. Thank you for being who you are...

Be blessed!