Hurt

This has been an interesting week.  During the first part of my workout on Monday, I hurt my leg. I did a good job! I didn't know that it was possible to hurt myself the way I did...it wasn't a difficult exercise. A weighted Get Up. You have to sit down and then get back up without using your hands...I have done these successfully in a previous workout. There is not even any jumping involved, but it really hurt!

In the hospital, when I had back surgery, they would come ask me about my pain level. On a scale of 1-10, how is your pain...and I would tell them (after my surgery) that it was about 4.5 or 5...for those of you that do not know, I had to have major back surgery 7 years ago.  The doctor told me that if I had waited another week, I would have been paralyzed. Morphine didn't even touch the pain...why do I bring it up? Well, because the pain I experienced on Monday was almost as bad as the back pain I experienced. I have a high pain threshold, so for me to cry, it has to be bad.

The worst part of all of it is that I wanted to try to push through the pain and keep doing my workout...I couldn't. So, I didn't...and on Tuesday, I got up and drove to the 5 am workout, still in pain. I walked up, told Bethany that my leg still really hurt and that I had only had three hours of sleep. She told me to go back home.

Being hurt messes with me mentally. I want for Bethany to be proud of me (and for the record, I know she is when I am not in my head). I try hard to give an honest effort at nearly every workout. It is hard...266 pounds of flesh, trying to jump and run and bend, doesn't  always cooperate and when there is a malfunction, it is worse. Tonight, I was VERY frustrated. I wanted to do it, but I didn't want to further injure my leg. I had to put myself in timeout. I walked away from the workout area and walked a lap around the track...something I knew I could do without too much discomfort.

I was just walking and trying to clear my head. One whole lap down and I was going to start another one...and then I heard Bethany calling my name. I knew I was about to have to face what was going on and deal with it...she said something like: What's up, tell me what is going on. I had to look at her and tell her I was frustrated and that I really wanted to do what she was asking me to do, but it really hurt. I told her that I didn't want her to be disappointed in me because I was really trying to do it, my leg just didn't want to cooperate.

I have mentioned before that I trust her...she busted down my walls faster than anyone I have ever met. I am comfortable enough with her to tell her anything and to listen to what she says, even if I don't like what she is saying. When I told her I was afraid I was disappointing her, I knew what she was going to say. "Get out of your head." She tells me that more than once a week. Even when I think I am hiding it, she knows. She has figured me out. 

I need to be able to express my fear and be honest about what is going on in my head because I need to work through the junk. I need to have a person that will listen and redirect, without judgement. I need to be challenged when I am not giving my all...and I have that at Camp Gladiator. I am doing things I never thought possible and I am making new friends. Sometimes, it hurts...mentally and physically, but I am so worth it!

Be blessed!