March 8, 2014 changed me...I faced my fear head on. Before you read any further, I am going to be honest about my thoughts along the way...pity party included, cg girls, it has nothing to do with you...it is all mental and God is working on me!
Have I mentioned that I hate being last? Well, it is true. I have been dealing with this very thing since I started boot camp. I cannot keep pace with the other girls. Boy, it makes me mad sometimes! I enjoyed the Foam Glow (almost) 5k, kind of...I enjoyed the car ride there and home, and the company at dinner, and the wait for the event to start. The actual walk/run was something else all together. It was intimidating. I didn't know what to expect and there were people everywhere...and I didn't know many of them. The ones I did know were finished long before me. I can't tell you how long before me, I didn't ask. I know that it took me 1:10:12 to walk the 2.76 miles (that's why I added almost above). Just me, God, my music, and a few thousand strangers. I started the race feeling worthless and believing I was too fat to finish.
I don't think I was even a mile into the walk when my phone rang the first time. I would guess since it was Bethany, that she was finished...I am not sure, because I didn't answer. See, me and God were having a meeting. Right there on that stinky sidewalk with the river view. I was trying my best to convince Him that I could not do this, He was very patiently listening and directing the songs on my pandora. Each song gave me the courage to keep moving...You are beautiful, don't look back, keep encouraging...this seemed to be the theme. I smiled, I cried, and at one point I was walking along with my hands in the air praising God for His faithfulness.
I experienced every emotion possible. I was so nervous before we started that Bethany told me to get out of my head (she tells me this all of the time). I was angry because I was walking with all of these people I didn't know. I was sad because I thought I would fail. I was encouraged when I came upon a overweight couple walking along the course that appeared to be struggling just like me (I did take the music out of my ear to offer an encouraging word) because I knew I was not alone. I was excited when I realized that I was nearly finished.
I told Scott that I thought I would have enjoyed the experience more had I had someone with me...you know, just walking/running with me. I am not sure that I would have got as much out of the experience if that had been the case. I started that race feeling weak and discouraged and I struggled along the way. I crossed the finish line (running) with my head held high. I felt like I had accomplished something. God has to break me down to build me up and that is what He did.
It was interesting to walk across the ball field toward the girls that I went with...I knew they would be excited. I knew they would be proud. I knew that at least two of them would be waiting, because I rode with them (ha)...and I knew that at least one more would be there because she looked me in the eyes and told me to do my best and she would be waiting for me when I finished. That helped me push through the desire to quit. What those girls don't know is that the person that they saw at the end of the race was not the person that started it.
You see, I left some junk on that sidewalk. I left fear and shame out on that course. I left weakness with them. I left I can't too...I discovered that I am tough and am able to do far more than I ever believed possible. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am able. I am not a fat girl. I am a fit girl in a body that is changing and I am proud of the things that I have accomplished!
This journey is one of the hardest journeys that I have ever been on. I would not be able to do what I do without the encouragement that I get from the people around me. I have made an effort to surround myself with strong, encouraging people. My support system makes a huge difference. So, thanks to all of you that encourage and support me! I am a new person! I would love to support and encourage you, how can I help?
Be blessed!
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