This journey is like riding a roller coaster...up, down, up, down. So many of my struggles are associated with the mental part of being healthy. I get in my own way. I would guess that this is why Bethany's favorite thing to say to me is "Get out of your head and do this." She knows.
I have discovered it is not easy to stay committed to a fitness plan. It is not easy to drop weight (not even with a shortcut). It is not easy to figure out how to keep from hurting myself. It is not easy to stay out of my head. This has been an ongoing struggle for me.
My head thinks of all of the reasons that I should just stay home. You know, things like: it is too hot, my allergies are too bad, I will sweat too much and then need a shower, nobody will notice that I missed. The thing is that these excuses are stumbling blocks. If I am not careful, they cause me to make steps in the wrong direction.
I do want to be fit. I do want to be healthy. I do desire to change. I spend entirely too much time "in my head" and this causes me to stumble. In my head, I hear all of the negative things that have ever been spoken over me. In my head, I doubt my ability. In my head, I second guess my goals.
I am working hard to let God control what goes on in my head. I try to be as positive as possible. My life is not easy and I am not always as successful at the be positive thing as I would like to be, but I would not want to live any other life. God set my feet on this path. He know how He will use my struggles to create victory in my life and the lives of the people around me. He has placed some amazing women around me...not just at boot camp, but at work and church too. He is faithful and I am grateful.
My goals are big and sometimes they seem impossible. I will get there one step at a time. My desire to change is greater than my desire to stay the same (this is another of Bethany's favorite things to say).
I appreciate the encouragement that I get from you. I ask that you continue to encourage me as I continue this journey and I ask that you remember me in your prayers. I can do this! 13.1 miles is less than 10 miles away!
Be blessed!
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Friday, April 18, 2014
Form, Focus, and Frustration
Focus on form, focus on form, focus on form...this is something I seriously need to do! I have issues with my left leg. I thought I stretched enough. I thought I was doing the exercise correctly. Who would have known that putting your weight on your heel instead of your toe would make such a big difference? I certainly didn't, but you can be sure I will remember next time. OUCH!
I do NOT like strained muscles! I don't mind the "normal" workout pain, but I do not like it when I "hurt myself". I get so frustrated. I want to do the same things that the others are doing at camp. I want to make it through the entire workout. I don't like having to modify everything (I realize I have to modify some of it). I don't like feeling like I have failed or like I have let someone down. Guess what I do? I throw up a wall and block it all out.
Yep, if I act like I don't want to or it is too hot, then no one will know that I feel like I can't do it or know that I am hurt. The folks that I workout with are FANTASTIC people. I know that they are not judging me. I know that many of them really care about me on a personal level. I know that they support me, so why do I continue to throw walls up?
Being hurt and unable to complete the tasks on the cg board frustrates me. A knot the size of an egg in my thigh is not comfortable! That really isn't the biggest issue, it is the lump in my throat when I have to ask for a different exercise and the hurt in my heart (not literally) that make it hard. Unintentional looks of disappointment and my still fragile self esteem beat me down. There is not one person that can be more disappointed with what is happening to my body and it's inability to respond than me.
I can complete a 5k in less than an hour, but I cannot do a superman stretch. I can finish a 5k in less than an hour, but I still cannot do many exercises that involve jumping...you get the picture. I can see my successes, but my struggles are what I have focused on.
I have to remember that it is my workout. I cannot worry about being last. I have to focus on what I need to do to get over the walls that I have thrown up in front of me. I cannot actually jump over a real hurdle, but I have to figure out how to jump the hurdles that I have put up in my mind...
We are supposed to have 20 minute workout on Saturday...I really want to do it. I know it is something that I CAN finish...and I am looking for another 5k because I know I can finish...these two things are very difficult, but I have done both successfully. This success builds my confidence and helps me remember that I have come a long way since I began this journey in January!
I am trying to learn to embrace this journey. I am trying to live a healthy lifestyle. I am trying hard to be as honest about it all as I can. I am trying to put away all of the shame I have felt in the past. I am trying to walk boldly. I am trying to remember that:
"[I am a person that is] breaking the boundaries people have placed before [me and I am]
raising the bar from settling on just 'being adequate' to CONQUERING greatness. [I am]
STRONG because [I] persevere! [I] have what it takes because [I have support]! [I]
positively IMPACT lives of those around [me]! [I am] BOLD because [I] know [I]
have fears and choose to face them..."*
Who am I? I AM A GLADIATOR!
*Bethany sent us a version of this as an encouragement...I am trying to become this strong, bold, conquering woman that she believes I am! I am thankful...
Be blessed!
I do NOT like strained muscles! I don't mind the "normal" workout pain, but I do not like it when I "hurt myself". I get so frustrated. I want to do the same things that the others are doing at camp. I want to make it through the entire workout. I don't like having to modify everything (I realize I have to modify some of it). I don't like feeling like I have failed or like I have let someone down. Guess what I do? I throw up a wall and block it all out.
Yep, if I act like I don't want to or it is too hot, then no one will know that I feel like I can't do it or know that I am hurt. The folks that I workout with are FANTASTIC people. I know that they are not judging me. I know that many of them really care about me on a personal level. I know that they support me, so why do I continue to throw walls up?
Being hurt and unable to complete the tasks on the cg board frustrates me. A knot the size of an egg in my thigh is not comfortable! That really isn't the biggest issue, it is the lump in my throat when I have to ask for a different exercise and the hurt in my heart (not literally) that make it hard. Unintentional looks of disappointment and my still fragile self esteem beat me down. There is not one person that can be more disappointed with what is happening to my body and it's inability to respond than me.
I can complete a 5k in less than an hour, but I cannot do a superman stretch. I can finish a 5k in less than an hour, but I still cannot do many exercises that involve jumping...you get the picture. I can see my successes, but my struggles are what I have focused on.
I have to remember that it is my workout. I cannot worry about being last. I have to focus on what I need to do to get over the walls that I have thrown up in front of me. I cannot actually jump over a real hurdle, but I have to figure out how to jump the hurdles that I have put up in my mind...
We are supposed to have 20 minute workout on Saturday...I really want to do it. I know it is something that I CAN finish...and I am looking for another 5k because I know I can finish...these two things are very difficult, but I have done both successfully. This success builds my confidence and helps me remember that I have come a long way since I began this journey in January!
I am trying to learn to embrace this journey. I am trying to live a healthy lifestyle. I am trying hard to be as honest about it all as I can. I am trying to put away all of the shame I have felt in the past. I am trying to walk boldly. I am trying to remember that:
"[I am a person that is] breaking the boundaries people have placed before [me and I am]
raising the bar from settling on just 'being adequate' to CONQUERING greatness. [I am]
STRONG because [I] persevere! [I] have what it takes because [I have support]! [I]
positively IMPACT lives of those around [me]! [I am] BOLD because [I] know [I]
have fears and choose to face them..."*
Who am I? I AM A GLADIATOR!
*Bethany sent us a version of this as an encouragement...I am trying to become this strong, bold, conquering woman that she believes I am! I am thankful...
Be blessed!
Saturday, April 12, 2014
BOLD Because of a Child's Love
The past few weeks have not been the best. I have not wanted to do my workouts. I have allowed myself to have a bad attitude.
I have even been disappointed...in myself and in some people around me. Let me explain. I agreed to do a 5k with a parent of a student. It was way back in January. Bethany had told me that I was not allowed to say "I can't" anymore, so I said okay. We had plans to advertise for my school and have t-shirts made. Big plans that went no where. We all got busy.
Bethany and I had a conversation about it and she wanted to wait so we could do the advertising. I talked with the parent (on Monday night) and told her I was not going to do it and then on Tuesday morning I told the boys in my morning class that I was not going to do the 5k. I thought that I had covered my bases fairly well, after all, we were not going to be able to advertise for the school and my leg had just started to feel better...one of the boys looked me in the eye and said "Why not?" It wasn't really the words that got me, it was the look of disappointment in his eyes.
The truth is, I had been given an out, and I took it. It made me a little mad. This angry feeling came out at bootcamp and I left it out when we discussed what was going on. I talked about all of the other stuff. I don't think I did it on purpose, really, the other stuff was just bothering me more. I was really trying to do my crabwalks and I was really trying not to be upset. I was not all that successful at either. While I was working hard at avoiding my workout that day, I walked over to the sign in table and my friend asked me why I wasn't doing the 5k. I replied with a quick I am not ready and turned and walked away. This was all on Tuesday.
I went back and read my early blog posts on Wednesday or so and started to think. All of my life, I have let fear dictate what I was and was not going to do. I remember being picked for the missions team in college and then backing out because I was afraid. So, my quitting has been the result of me giving in to my fear. I decided Thursday that I could not skip the 5k. The parent and Bethany had other plans and I knew I would have to do it by myself.
I went. I started. I finished...dead last! I discovered along the way that it is really okay for me to be last. I laughed at God and told Him I get it. All of my life I would just quit. Quitting is way worse than being last...making excuses, worse than being last.
What I discovered today is that I am BOLD. The cg kind of bold. I would not have had the confidence to start and finish a 5k on my own in December. Today, I not only started and finished, I also finished it in less time than I thought I would. I finished in 57 minutes 20 seconds. I was in 84th place out of 84 runners and I am okay with that! I did not quit. I did not make an excuse. I did not let fear win. I am a winner!
Tuesday, I will proudly wear my shirt to class and look that sweet boy in the eyes and say thank you. He knew I could do it. He believed me when I said I would and because of his love I did!
Be blessed!
I have even been disappointed...in myself and in some people around me. Let me explain. I agreed to do a 5k with a parent of a student. It was way back in January. Bethany had told me that I was not allowed to say "I can't" anymore, so I said okay. We had plans to advertise for my school and have t-shirts made. Big plans that went no where. We all got busy.
Bethany and I had a conversation about it and she wanted to wait so we could do the advertising. I talked with the parent (on Monday night) and told her I was not going to do it and then on Tuesday morning I told the boys in my morning class that I was not going to do the 5k. I thought that I had covered my bases fairly well, after all, we were not going to be able to advertise for the school and my leg had just started to feel better...one of the boys looked me in the eye and said "Why not?" It wasn't really the words that got me, it was the look of disappointment in his eyes.
The truth is, I had been given an out, and I took it. It made me a little mad. This angry feeling came out at bootcamp and I left it out when we discussed what was going on. I talked about all of the other stuff. I don't think I did it on purpose, really, the other stuff was just bothering me more. I was really trying to do my crabwalks and I was really trying not to be upset. I was not all that successful at either. While I was working hard at avoiding my workout that day, I walked over to the sign in table and my friend asked me why I wasn't doing the 5k. I replied with a quick I am not ready and turned and walked away. This was all on Tuesday.
I went back and read my early blog posts on Wednesday or so and started to think. All of my life, I have let fear dictate what I was and was not going to do. I remember being picked for the missions team in college and then backing out because I was afraid. So, my quitting has been the result of me giving in to my fear. I decided Thursday that I could not skip the 5k. The parent and Bethany had other plans and I knew I would have to do it by myself.
I went. I started. I finished...dead last! I discovered along the way that it is really okay for me to be last. I laughed at God and told Him I get it. All of my life I would just quit. Quitting is way worse than being last...making excuses, worse than being last.
What I discovered today is that I am BOLD. The cg kind of bold. I would not have had the confidence to start and finish a 5k on my own in December. Today, I not only started and finished, I also finished it in less time than I thought I would. I finished in 57 minutes 20 seconds. I was in 84th place out of 84 runners and I am okay with that! I did not quit. I did not make an excuse. I did not let fear win. I am a winner!
Tuesday, I will proudly wear my shirt to class and look that sweet boy in the eyes and say thank you. He knew I could do it. He believed me when I said I would and because of his love I did!
Be blessed!
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Crab Walks Make Me Crabby
I tried to do a crab walk today. My body didn't want to and that made me mad. As a matter of fact, that stupid little exercise caused me to think about a bunch of things that have been making me crabby. I am still an emotional eater. As much as I would like to think that I have conquered that, I have not even come close. Now, I am in an interesting place...exercise brings out all kinds of emotions and my first instinct is to run to food for comfort.
Yes, I realize that is not what I am supposed to do and a lecture about it will only add to the stress and well, you know, more food. Spring has always been an interesting time of the year for me. The trees start to bloom and my allergies and asthma go crazy. The temperature goes up and my migraines return. So, this outside exercise thing is hard for me.
Folks keep asking me if I am okay and I can answer yes and no. What's wrong? Well, here is an abbreviated list of the things I am dealing with:
Yes, I realize that is not what I am supposed to do and a lecture about it will only add to the stress and well, you know, more food. Spring has always been an interesting time of the year for me. The trees start to bloom and my allergies and asthma go crazy. The temperature goes up and my migraines return. So, this outside exercise thing is hard for me.
Folks keep asking me if I am okay and I can answer yes and no. What's wrong? Well, here is an abbreviated list of the things I am dealing with:
- There are several people in our family that are in poor health
- Our youngest niece got hurt playing softball
- The school year is coming to an end
- Bryan is starting to go through puberty and is not behaving the way I would like for him to
- We have chickens in our bathroom
- My allergies and asthma are acting up
- I feel insecure about changing
- I cannot sleep
- My back is hurt
- Affordable healthcare is not so affordable
There is so much more that I could add. I have to deal with all of it. I would love to be able to replace the emotional eating with exercise and I am trying, but it is so hard. I am a creature of habit. I like for things to be comfortable and easy...and this life change I am trying to make is anything but comfortable and easy. You might say I am my own worst enemy when it comes to getting in the way. I left so much junk on the foam glow course, but I didn't leave it all. And now, I am faced with taking all of this on.
I have to remember that I am not in this alone. I have to learn to trust myself to make wise choices. I have to get out of my head and focus on the fit person inside of me. I have to do this for myself first. I cannot worry about what others think and I have to get my feelings off of my sleeves. It is hard enough to do this and even harder if I choose to have hurt feelings.
One day at a time...be blessed
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