Form, Focus, and Frustration

Focus on form, focus on form, focus on form...this is something I seriously need to do! I have issues with my left leg. I thought I stretched enough. I thought I was doing the exercise correctly. Who would have known that putting your weight on your heel instead of your toe would make such a big difference? I certainly didn't, but you can be sure I will remember next time. OUCH!

I do NOT like strained muscles! I don't mind the "normal" workout pain, but I do not like it when I "hurt myself". I get so frustrated. I want to do the same things that the others are doing at camp. I want to make it through the entire workout. I don't like having to modify everything (I realize I have to modify some of it). I don't like feeling like I have failed or like I have let someone down. Guess what I do? I throw up a wall and block it all out.

Yep, if I act like I don't want to or it is too hot, then no one will know that I feel like I can't do it or know that I am hurt. The folks that I workout with are FANTASTIC people. I know that they are not judging me. I know that many of them really care about me on a personal level. I know that they support me, so why do I continue to throw walls up?

Being hurt and unable to complete the tasks on the cg board frustrates me. A knot the size of an egg in my thigh is not comfortable! That really isn't the biggest issue, it is the lump in my throat when I have to ask for a different exercise and the hurt in my heart (not literally) that make it hard. Unintentional looks of disappointment and my still fragile self esteem beat me down. There is not one person that can be more disappointed with what is happening to my body and it's inability to respond than me.

I can complete a 5k in less than an hour, but I cannot do a superman stretch. I can finish a 5k in less than an hour, but I still cannot do many exercises that involve jumping...you get the picture. I can see my successes, but my struggles are what I have focused on.

I have to remember that it is my workout. I cannot worry about being last. I have to focus on what I need to do to get over the walls that I have thrown up in front of me. I cannot actually jump over a real hurdle, but I have to figure out how to jump the hurdles that I have put up in my mind...

We are supposed to have 20 minute workout on Saturday...I really want to do it. I know it is something that I CAN finish...and I am looking for another 5k because I know I can finish...these two things are very difficult, but I have done both successfully. This success builds my confidence and helps me remember that I have come a long way since I began this journey in January!

I am trying to learn to embrace this journey. I am trying to live a healthy lifestyle. I am trying hard to be as honest about it all as I can. I am trying to put away all of the shame I have felt in the past. I am trying to walk boldly. I am trying to remember that:

    "[I am a person that is] breaking the boundaries people have placed before [me and I am]
    raising the bar from settling on just 'being adequate' to CONQUERING greatness. [I am]
    STRONG because [I] persevere! [I] have what it takes because [I have support]! [I]
    positively IMPACT lives of those around [me]! [I am] BOLD because [I] know [I]
    have fears and choose to face them..."*

Who am I? I AM A GLADIATOR!

*Bethany sent us a version of this as an encouragement...I am trying to become this strong, bold, conquering woman that she believes I am!  I am thankful...

Be blessed!