Pressure

The last seven days have been pretty rough. My stress level is reaching the all I can handle level...I know this because I have been fighting a migraine for a few hours. I am not really sleeping. I am not drinking enough water. I am not getting enough exercise. All I want to do is eat (but I am not doing this). Bryan summed it up pretty well today. He said, "Sounds like you have a bad case of the I don't wannas along with a bad case of the I wannas." He means, I don't wanna do what I need to do and I wanna do what I shouldn't! He is right...

I have been trying to figure out what in the world is going on with me. I do want to change. I do want to feel better. I do want to improve the quality of my life. I am, however, really having a hard time. Bethany issues me one challenge after another and I try to do what she says. Sometimes, I fail. I will get started on one and start to feel a little success and she will up it. Let me give you an example...when I got the treadmill, she challenged me to walk two miles each time. I was starting to have some success and then she said to do a 5k. I tried it. I did it, but it was hard and I haven't been able to keep up...she doesn't know this (until now). I haven't had the opportunity to discuss this with her.

I have had so many people telling me what they think I should do and I have become overwhelmed. Scott (my husband) would say something about me needing to get on the treadmill and I wouldn't do it. A friend at camp said she was going to do 5ks too and she wanted me to text her when I had done mine. She hasn't had a text yet. I am blocked, mentally speaking. I have the ability to walk/jog a 5k, so what the heck is going on? The only thing I can think of is that I am on overload and have too many folks telling me what to do.

Bethany and I are friends, but she is also my trainer. I know that she takes into consideration my limitations when she issues me a challenge. I listen to her. The difference between a challenge from her and one from Scott is only different in my mind. It makes me mad for Scott to tell me what he thinks I need to be doing. He means well, but his delivery needs some work. (Now, don't get upset about me saying this about my spouse. He and I have discussed this and he knows I am talking about it.)

I have a tendency to be stubborn. My mom can tell you story after story about me learning things the hard way. There are times that I will do the complete opposite of what I am supposed to do, just because someone said that I needed to do something or when someone expects they are going to make me do something (my mom can tell you about all of that too). Growing up an only child has not always served me well...and I think this may be the case here.

You see, Scott and I had a very long conversation about all of this the other day. I have so many well intentioned people telling me what to do. Trying to hold me to account. I don't want or need that right now. I need folks to pray for me and to encourage me. I need the people close to me to accept me just like I am and understand that I am giving all I can and I am having a tough time. I don't need to have folks checking to see that I have walked or telling me I need to. I know I need to. I can check in with Bethany and she can tell me what to do.

Right now, I need support, but not in the way that folks would normally support. I need to hear that what I am doing is good, that you see the effort that is being made, that you recognize that I am having a hard time. I might need a hug or a pat on the back, but I do not need extra pressure. I am doing the best I can...and I have not quit.

Be blessed.

Trying Not to Drown!

This whole eat better thing is HARD!!! I made more positive choices than negative, but I really struggled. I feel like I am swimming, but cannot keep my head above the water. Today, I found out that someone close to me is having health issues and instead of going to the treadmill, I went to the food. I am still an emotional eater.

In the past, this behavior would have made me numb to the news. Tonight, it didn't. Instead of the comfort from the food, I am dealing with feeling of guilt for a choice that I know was not healthy. I feel like I have failed miserably and that somehow the people around me are going to think less of me because of it. My insecurities are really showing. I know that the people that really know me know that I am still struggling. Hey, I am pretty open about my struggles.

I am a people pleaser. I don't like conflict and I don't like to let people down, especially people that I care about. I know that I am way harder on myself than anyone could ever be on me, but it still makes me uneasy. I have to learn that I need to focus on me and worry less about what others think.

I also need to replace this need to run to food with something healthier...so, I will be working on this. I will go to the treadmill instead of the refrigerator.

Still a work in progress and thankful for this journey (even when it is hard)!

Be blessed!

New Challenges

Spending time with Bethany always leaves me with something to think about and sometimes ends in a challenge. For weeks, I have been plagued with injuries. Pulled muscles and a hurt shoulder are a couple of examples. I have tried to stretch properly, but I still hurt myself once a week. It gets very discouraging.

Bethany set out to find an answer. She did research and asked a trainer friend of hers what he thought. They decided that my body does not have the right fuel to do what I am asking it to do. I have been very slow to change my eating habits. Bethany said I need more protein and that I need to start eating a cleaner diet.

She knows just when to tell me things and has an amazing ability to knock down every excuse I come up with. She also gives me Biblical reasons to back up what she is saying and she reminds me that this journey will help Bryan and his children make healthier choices. Boy, she knows how to get right to my heart!

So, I have spent a few hours processing what she said and will start making changes to my diet. Protein first and add more vegetables and I will do my best to avoid fried things and empty carbs. And then there is this whole taking vitamins thing...I guess I will do that to. I will have to set an alarm on my phone (I got this idea from my friend Liz)!

The other challenge she issued is to complete three 5ks a week on my treadmill...every other day I need to walk 3.1 miles and vary the speed and incline. 

Game on, Bethany Nelson! I am all in...

Be blessed!

Are you limiting your potential?

I am not sure where to start with this post...I have had an interesting week. I think I would like to work through the whole self-confidence thing. Self-confidence has always been a struggle.

I have worked for years to convince others that I have it all together. This has worked well. Most folks have no idea...well, until I started Camp Gladiator. The folks I work out with have seen me cry more times than I like to admit. There is just something about exercise that breaks me down, but this makes me stronger.

Camp Gladiator has made me realize that I am not alone in my struggle. We all have our insecurities. I have spent a good amount of time thinking about mine. Many of them are based on how I think I am supposed to look based on what the world says. Have you watched TV recently? The commercials that come on very rarely have larger folks in them. Have you opened a magazine in the last few weeks? All of their advertisers use small folks too. I have a very warped idea of what I am supposed to look like...

Scott and I watched the end of the Miss America pageant. Beautiful, thin women strutting their stuff on stage. The winner is a beautiful women! In the days after, I was shocked by all of the news about the pageant. One of the other contestants was in the news...she is a size 4 and was upset about point deductions in the swimsuit competition. Evidently, she was too big. Huh? Size 4 and too big? How in the world am I supposed to have a healthy self image when a size 4 is too big? That's just crazy!

Here is what I decided. I am looking in the wrong place to set a standard for myself. Now, don't get all worked up when I say this, but I am okay being bigger than most women. I really don't want to be a size 4. I don't think I was ever a size 4. I want to be healthy and happy. I want to be surrounded by people that care about me for who I am and not what I look like. I want people to encourage me on  my journey and check on me when they see the tears or notice a change in the way I interact with others. I want to be an encourager. I want more out of my life.

I came across this on facebook:

It says it all. By myself I am not able...with God I am. Are you working too hard to be something you are not? Stop it!

Be blessed!

Me

This getting fit thing is harder than I ever expected it to be. It might not be so bad if it only required physical activity. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard if I felt invincible. I might do better if it wasn't so hot in the evening. Working out makes me feel vulnerable.

One would think that going from the PM workout to the AM workout would be an easy transition, after all, it is the same kind of workout, just earlier in the day. Well, it has not been easy for me. It is really early in the morning and there is a different group of people. I know most of them so it should be easy...but it is not. I feel like a fish out of water in the morning. I am having a tough time.

Reality, for me, is that it is too stinking hot at 6 pm for me to workout. This leaves the 5 am workout. I am not much on mornings. I have always been told that I am not a morning person. It is not that I don't like seeing people in the morning, I just prefer to be awake for a couple of hours before I am required to be social. Being with new folks means that I have to try to figure them out. I have to figure out what makes them tick...and doing this in the morning is HARD! LOL

I think that Scott may be on to something when he says that I need to quit thinking about everyone else. Even at 5 am, this is my workout. It is not about anyone else, it is not about how secure (or insecure) I feel, it is not about being social.  It is about ME. It is about me becoming physically fit.

Be blessed!

Hot Stuff! ;)

Whew! It is HOT out there!I went to camp on Monday evening and gave it my all...well, at least the all my body would allow! I went home, cooked dinner for my family, and sat down near the air conditioner to try to cool off. It just wasn't happening. I ran some lukewarm water in the tub and hopped in...nope. Then I had chills followed by nausea and a migraine headache. The headache was BAD! It didn't become bearable until about 4 am and it didn't go away completely until late Tuesday evening.

You may be wondering why in the world I chose to workout in the heat...and to be real honest, that is what I was thinking as I was trying to figure out how to make that headache go away. The honest answer is I don't like to get up early. I decided that I would set myself up to fail if I continued to go to the evening camp, so I am going to start going in the mornings. I do not like to get up, but I hate having migraines and throwing up...so...

I am trying to drink enough water, but it is difficult. I am trying to listen to my body, but I am a people pleaser and when someone tells me to push I am going to push. I am trying to be okay doing modified exercise, but it hurts my pride. I am trying to not be prideful...so, one step at a time. Mornings are cooler and I will be able to continue to go to to camp.

This morning, I ventured out before most of my neighbors were awake. I drove on empty streets. I went to camp. I stopped on my warm up lap to watch the birds and listen to them sing, I smiled. I warmed up. I worked out...better than I have in weeks. I have decided that it is going to be okay, this whole getting up early thing will not kill me. I will miss the folks at the evening camp, but will go back when the temperatures drop again...until then, I am working my plan and meeting my goals. Are you working your plan and meeting your goals?

Be blessed!