Pressure

The last seven days have been pretty rough. My stress level is reaching the all I can handle level...I know this because I have been fighting a migraine for a few hours. I am not really sleeping. I am not drinking enough water. I am not getting enough exercise. All I want to do is eat (but I am not doing this). Bryan summed it up pretty well today. He said, "Sounds like you have a bad case of the I don't wannas along with a bad case of the I wannas." He means, I don't wanna do what I need to do and I wanna do what I shouldn't! He is right...

I have been trying to figure out what in the world is going on with me. I do want to change. I do want to feel better. I do want to improve the quality of my life. I am, however, really having a hard time. Bethany issues me one challenge after another and I try to do what she says. Sometimes, I fail. I will get started on one and start to feel a little success and she will up it. Let me give you an example...when I got the treadmill, she challenged me to walk two miles each time. I was starting to have some success and then she said to do a 5k. I tried it. I did it, but it was hard and I haven't been able to keep up...she doesn't know this (until now). I haven't had the opportunity to discuss this with her.

I have had so many people telling me what they think I should do and I have become overwhelmed. Scott (my husband) would say something about me needing to get on the treadmill and I wouldn't do it. A friend at camp said she was going to do 5ks too and she wanted me to text her when I had done mine. She hasn't had a text yet. I am blocked, mentally speaking. I have the ability to walk/jog a 5k, so what the heck is going on? The only thing I can think of is that I am on overload and have too many folks telling me what to do.

Bethany and I are friends, but she is also my trainer. I know that she takes into consideration my limitations when she issues me a challenge. I listen to her. The difference between a challenge from her and one from Scott is only different in my mind. It makes me mad for Scott to tell me what he thinks I need to be doing. He means well, but his delivery needs some work. (Now, don't get upset about me saying this about my spouse. He and I have discussed this and he knows I am talking about it.)

I have a tendency to be stubborn. My mom can tell you story after story about me learning things the hard way. There are times that I will do the complete opposite of what I am supposed to do, just because someone said that I needed to do something or when someone expects they are going to make me do something (my mom can tell you about all of that too). Growing up an only child has not always served me well...and I think this may be the case here.

You see, Scott and I had a very long conversation about all of this the other day. I have so many well intentioned people telling me what to do. Trying to hold me to account. I don't want or need that right now. I need folks to pray for me and to encourage me. I need the people close to me to accept me just like I am and understand that I am giving all I can and I am having a tough time. I don't need to have folks checking to see that I have walked or telling me I need to. I know I need to. I can check in with Bethany and she can tell me what to do.

Right now, I need support, but not in the way that folks would normally support. I need to hear that what I am doing is good, that you see the effort that is being made, that you recognize that I am having a hard time. I might need a hug or a pat on the back, but I do not need extra pressure. I am doing the best I can...and I have not quit.

Be blessed.