Thursday, February 27, 2014

Support Helps

This has been a rough week for me at workout. We are half way through our workout week and I am sore and mentally drained. I have tried hard to find the positive.

At Monday's workout, I was surprised with a cg workout mat. I was shocked. The very first day I went to workout, Bethany partnered me with a workout buddy.  This buddy slowed way down to show me what to do and encouraged me to keep going. She reminds me often that the workout is mine and that I need to do it at my pace.

Tuesday, we changed locations. I dreaded it all day. I don't really like change, especially sudden change.  A bigger location means more space. More space means that Bethany has the space do do harder exercises. And she did just that. My legs hurt! We had to partner up...I hate partnering up, especially when the other person has to repeat their task until I complete mine. I am so slow (faster than I was a month ago, but still slow). My partner was one of the better campers. I felt horrible. I really tried to finish in a timely manner because I knew she was having to do the mat exercises while I was trying to finish the cardio.

Wednesday was not real easy. The workout is hard, but it is even more difficult to clear my head and focus on what Bethany is asking me to do. I had no idea that the stress in my personal life would play a part in working out, but it does.

The great thing about the folks that I workout with is that no matter how far fetched my goal seems to me, they support me. They believe in me, even when I do not believe in myself.  They encourage me and challenge me.

I am slowly becoming a different person. One day at a time. Changing one habit at a time.  Looking forward to what is ahead of me. Thankful for the folks that support me because the support helps.

Friday, February 21, 2014

And then there is this...

This has been one heck of a week!  I am so sore and my emotions have been all over the place. I have discovered that working out brings all of my stress and insecurities to the surface.

Yep, after the high of loosing 9.4 lbs, I hit a low. Thursday's workout was not a positive experience for me at all!  I left feeling a half inch tall.  It started with a couple of the girls that encourage me not being at camp and was followed by many tasks that my body just would not allow me to do. We had to get in a line and pass a 20 lb medicine ball from person to person while jogging. The last person in line had to run the ball to the first person. I was the last person in line. Of course, I have a hard time keeping pace with the others and it didn't help that the person in the front of the line was a boy between 10 and 12 years old.  I ran nearly a block carrying that stupid ball.  I was supposed to lead the line.  I tried.  I made it about thirty or so feet and had to bow out.  I puffed my inhaler and started walking behind the others. I was so mad.

I left the workout mad and very discouraged.  I even considered not attending the after camp get together. I am glad that I didn't skip.  Both of the girls that I missed at workout were there! I got to visit with them and we all laughed hysterically. I also got to visit with Bethany. I explained to her that I didn't feel good about the workout and that I felt very discouraged. I even told her I threw up. You know what she said? "Good.  That means I kicked your butt tonight!" Not what I was expecting to hear.  Then she said, "You have to be broken down for God to build you back up." Hmmm, something I have not ever thought of about working out...but it is true. The release associated with the physical exercise is amazing.  All of the junk I am dealing with comes to the surface and I have to deal with it. Makes me cry, makes my flaws obvious, makes me vulnerable, but in the end, it makes me strong.

Had I been working out in 2003,I probably would not have had that breakdown. There is something about working out that brings balance to my body.  It is hard to explain, but I challenge you, no matter your age, weight, physical/mental condition, to get up and get moving. It is not easy to get started, but with the right support you can do it. I am willing to go on the journey with you, so get up and let's get started. I believe you can, do you?

Be blessed!

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Whew, Finally!

I have been working out for a little over a month.  It is hard to believe, but it is true.  I have really struggled and not everyday is fun, but Bethany tells me that the crying part of this is good for me. My self confidence is a little better, but I still doubt myself. I can see changes now.  Other people have said that my body is changing, but I just started to really see it.

I did not measure myself in the beginning, I didn't even think about it.  I know that I have lost inches because my Camp Gladiator (cg) shirt is an XL and it fits me now. Funny story associated with the shirt...it will give you a little more insight into the kind of person Bethany is. I ordered a XXL and she wouldn't let me have one.  She told me to get an XL out of the box and shrink into it.  So, that's what I did.  Now, I wear that cg shirt with pride. It touches me, but it is not so bad!

My mindset is slowly changing. I no longer call myself a fat girl.  I try hard to not joke about my weight (this is hard, because I did it all of the time). I have worked hard to stop telling people that I can't do something.  As a matter of fact, I try it all.  This morning I was asked to try to do a push-up with the hand clap afterwards (I can't remember what it is called).  The board said I had to do 10, so I set out to try to do all of them.  I was scared that I would bust my nose, but I didn't.  One, clap. Two, clap. Three, ouch.  The third time, I landed on my forearms and hurt myself. I had to look Bethany in the eye and tell her I was hurt. Nothing serious.  She assessed it and gave me an alternative exercise. I had to avoid anything that used my shoulders for a little bit, but tonight I am better.

I never dreamed that working out and laughing went together.  They do.  Most of the time, I really enjoy working out and I LOVE the encouragement from the other Gladiators (that is what we are called when we are at camp). It seems funny to think that I get called a Gladiator, but I own it because I am tough!

The weight loss has been slower than I thought.  It actually went up before it went down.  In December, I weighed two hundred seventy-nine pounds.  I have lost nine and four tenths pounds.  How do you like the way I spelled it out!  Ha! Nearly ten pounds.  I dropped nearly ten pounds. I am happy with it, I worked hard for it.

Let me finish with this.  I would have never dreamed that I would be working out.  I would have told you it was not possible. I was too big.I am not worth the effort. My back was bad. My asthma is bad. I don't have time. Well, all of that is not true.  I now say, I have workout tonight.  I can do it. I am worth it. I missed last night, I better get up and go at 5 am. I will try. Hey, can we do that again?  That was fun.  Big change, huh?

You are able too.  You are amazing.  God will meet you on that exercise mat.  You just have to have the courage to get up and do it.  You are not too old, too fat, too out of shape.  You are amazing and I believe in you!

If you are interested in working out and need a place to go, try Camp Gladiator.  Google them.  You can come with me and I will workout with you.  No judgement, only encouragement!

Be blessed!

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Real Talk with Kristy Stuart

One of the things that many of my friends appreciate about me is that I am a straight talk kind of girl.  I don't beat around the bush, I say what needs to be said.  So, it would make sense that I would do that here.

My attitude stinks this week.  My knee hurts and I am just not motivated to do anything that is going to make it hurt more.Working out this week was difficult because we had a week off and then ice. I got out of my routine.

Working out is hard for me.  I don't like to sweat and I really don't like outside (especially in the Spring and Summer). My allergies are starting to kick in and I am sneezing my head off.

And then there are the changes to my body.  Most of these are good changes.  My inner thigh is a different story. If I went outside in a wind storm, my legs would beat me to death.  They look terrible, thinner, but terrible none the less. The results of my poor choices are showing...right on my thighs.

What does that all mean? Well, really nothing, except maybe to point out that the mental part of this process is VERY difficult! I fight myself on a daily basis. Don't do this, don't eat that, get up and exercise. I think this is normal. I was discussing this with a woman that does cross fit training the other day. She is in fantastic shape. She said she struggles in this area too. I guess that gives me a little comfort.

I can't be anything other than the person I am...I find comfort in the fact that when I am weak, my God is made strong! Prayer needed and appreciated!

Be blessed!

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Twenty Minute Workout...lessons learned.

I had a major break through during my recent twenty minute workout.  I can't go into details on all of it because this is a public forum, but I can talk about some of it.

I was doing lunges across the width of the football field and had a million things running through my mind.  Most of them were negative.  Things like:
You can't do this.  What do you think you are doing? Girl, you are too big for this.  You should be at home on the couch watching TV.  These people are going to laugh at you.  You need to hurry up, the other girls don't want to be here all day.
This had been happening during the entire workout...every time I was ready to believe one of these lies, someone would say something to me. "You have to believe in yourself." "Get out of your head." "Block everything out and do this."  And you know what else happened this time...almost everyone was still there when I crossed the finish line.

Scott (my husband) and I were talking about the girls being there when I finished.  He said that people like that are going to be the reason that I keep going.  I think he is right.  Support is the key.  I know that when I go to work out that I will not be alone at the finish line...at least Bethany will be there.  I will freely admit that it was nice to have people cheer me on and push me to go harder and faster than I thought I could.

I have spent a majority of my life believing the lies I have been told.  I have thought that I can't do things because I am too big.  Truth is, I can do it and I am doing it.  It is not easy.  It is not comfortable.  If I am honest about it, it scares me.  But, I can do it.

On April 12th, I am going to do a 5k.  Something I have said before, but didn't follow through.  I didn't have a support system in place.  I do now.  I would love to see my friends at the finish line, but I am not doing it for them.  I am doing it for me...and to prove that all of the lies I have believed are not true!

If I can do it, so can you.  One day at a time.  I believe in you!

Be blessed!

No Shirt...

Have you ever seen the sign that says "No shirt, No shoes, No service"?  I have and it has never been an issue for me.  I am not one to go without my shirt...that is, until today (2/9/2014).  Yes, you read that correctly.  I went without my shirt.  I was just too hot to keep it on.  For those of you that do not know me, I am typically very careful to make sure all of my parts are covered.  So this was out of character for me.

I was trying to finish my 20 minute workout...jogging/walking along the track with the other girls.  Before I knew it, I had asked all of them if they would be offended if I took off my shirt. It was a long sleeve t shirt.  I took it off and kept moving forward.  I thought I was going to throw up a couple of times.  Bethany was not going easy on me...she told me I had 15 seconds to puke and then I had to get moving again.  I had one thing on my mind, the finish line.  I forgot about not having my shirt on until one of the girls handed it to me.

You may be wondering why I am bringing this up.  Well, it has been on my mind all day.  When I got home, I sent Bethany a text message apologizing for coming out of my clothes.  She has a way of speaking truth to me in a way that hits me right where it needs to.  She basically told me not to apologize and that I need to learn to love my body the way it is.  Now, it has been a long time since I weighed less than 200 pounds, probably 15+ years and I am very self conscious about my body.  Being overweight has given me a warped sense of what my body looks like.  Bethany told me I have great skin tone and that I am not as big as I lead others to believe...huh.

So, I must try to see myself differently.  I tease constantly about being a big girl.  I have to stop doing that...I am Kristy Stuart.  I am beautiful.  I am a child of the Most High!

Be blessed!

Friday, February 7, 2014

Fear

Boy, I am a nervous wreck tonight!  The 20 minute workout is in the morning.  I have set a goal to do it in less than an hour this time.  My first time was 1 hour, four minutes, and 45 seconds.  I don't know why I am so nervous.  I know I am going to be faster this time.  I had only been to two workouts the first time I did it

Fear has been holding me back.  I am afraid to hurt my back again.  I am afraid I am going to have an asthma attack.  I am afraid I am going to hurt my knee.  I am afraid I am going to fail.  There, I said it!  My fear contradicts what the Bible tells me.  I can do all things through Christ...Bro. Brandon would be the first to remind. P413, Kristy Stuart, P413.  So what is my deal?

I think the biggest part of the issue is that I have not let myself believe in me.  I want to, I am just afraid to.  I know myself better than anyone knows me (well, besides God).  I know my track record.  I know my abilities, gifts, and talents.  And to be real honest, those things have not included athletic ability.  I lack self confidence.  I can't believe I just told all of you that is how I feel.

I have heart.  I am actually enjoying most of the workouts.  I say most because sometimes I have a breakdown and cry.  You know, crying doesn't make me weak, but not everyone feels that way.  I am not the same person I was on January 17.  I feel different and according to some, I look different.  I pretend to be confident, but I am scared.

I think the thing that I am discovering about myself is that I have built more walls than I realized.  I have blocked out people that have tried to encourage me.  I quit believing in myself many years ago.  That is hard to admit.  Hard for me to say that I have spent many years thinking that I don't matter and that my health is not important.  Have you ever stopped to really look at yourself? It is hard.

What I am starting to see is that I am able to do more than I thought.  My friend Jo and I were talking about how hard it is to exercise and how much it hurts.  I am not as young and flexible as I used to be and I have been hard on my body.  That is not even the worst part...mentally, I have torn myself up!

I watched a video of a little girl that was singing "Don't stop, don't give up...keep trying" and cried like a baby.  Yesterday, I couldn't do 15 sit ups.  Big deal.  I did 85 squats and 15 push ups.  Tonight, as I type this, I have completed 50 of the 90 squats.  That is a big deal...and when I think about it rationally, I realize it.  I need to quit worrying about being a failure.  I am not a failure!  I am doing this.  One day at a time.  If my struggle helps one person, then it is worth all of the effort!

Be blessed!

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Walls

***Disclaimer-Tonight was not my night...my poor self-esteem got the best of me!***

I don't know about you, but I am a master wall builder.  You know what kind of walls I like to build?  The ones that are designed to protect my heart. I am also very observant and hear better than people think I do. I don't trust easily and I have a hard time making new friends.  I am picky.  You know you are my friend, because I pour my heart and soul into our relationship.

This fact makes it difficult for me to go to workout with people I do not really know.  So, how did I get myself into this workout thing?  I trust Bethany. I am not able to explain why, except to say that something in my spirit says she has my best interests at heart.  I know she is praying for me. Now, mind you that I still have my walls up. I have not let her all the way in (sorry Bethany, just being honest).

Why am I a master wall builder?  I have been hurt more times than I care to discuss.  I remember things.  I remember comments.  I remember looks.  I read body language.  I know when the people around me are sincere and when they are not...God has given me discernment where people are concerned.  It is a skill I use to break down the walls that my students build and how I get them to love me...I just know people.

That is what makes this a difficult process for me.  I want to be a valued part of the group.  When I am not, my lack of self-esteem kicks in and I become depressed.  When I am depressed, I over eat...when I over eat, I gain weight...you get the picture.

Something else that you should know, is I hide my feelings fairly well...that is until I cannot internalize anything anymore.  When I have shoved all I can shove into the closet of my heart, it comes flying open and my business gets spread out everywhere. Some of you may remember a time in my life that was not good...this would have been after Bryan was born and I had the "O" principal.  I had some issues way back then...I can laugh about them now, but really it is not funny!  I would have anxiety attacks and had to deal with some OCD things that became pretty serious. Why am I sharing this?  Well, it is really pretty simple, I don't want to go back to that life...it was terrible!  If I am not careful to keep my emotions in check and my spiritman full, I will be in trouble.

I don't have to be friends with the people that go to workout, but it would help.  Hey, they don't have to encourage me, but it would help.  I am not doing this for them, I am doing it for me, for Scott, and for Bryan...and I am doing it because Bethany believes in me...it is a God thing.  I know in time Bethany will get past my walls.  I have felt them crumble...and I really like her...just don't tell her! LOL

Be blessed!

Monday, February 3, 2014

That Doesn't Help

It doesn't seem like I have made much progress...that's just my thought.  I ask Scott nearly every day if I look different and he says the same thing every time..."I see you every day.  I am not going to notice as quickly as someone else." I tell him that doesn't help!

I know my arms look different. One of my sweet students said so. I know I feel better, except when I too much of something fried (then I feel gross).  I know my knee hurts...

Yep, my knee hurts.  Bethany says I will hurt.  That doesn't help...I don't like to hurt.  The pain triggers a desire to stop doing whatever is making me hurt and that is all of the physical activity. That is not an option.  I have tried on several different types of knee braces and none of them fit right.  One size fits all is a LIE, just sayin'.  Every one of them that will go on my leg, roll down because of the fat on my thigh.  It is frustrating that I have not been able to find anything that will work, but the industry is not really geared toward someone my size needing their product.

I am trying to train to RUN a 5k...it is on April 12th.  That knee is making it hard. I can walk at a brisk pace, but when it comes to the bouncing motion involved in the slow jog I do, my knee puts up a fight. That doesn't help...

So, I need encouragement.  The kind that points out all of the positive things I am doing, the kind that encourages me and builds me up.  I am asking that if you pray, pray for me...that does help! ;)

Be blessed...

Oh, and on Saturday I will participate in the "20 Minute" workout...my goal is to finish in an hour or less...