Fear

Boy, I am a nervous wreck tonight!  The 20 minute workout is in the morning.  I have set a goal to do it in less than an hour this time.  My first time was 1 hour, four minutes, and 45 seconds.  I don't know why I am so nervous.  I know I am going to be faster this time.  I had only been to two workouts the first time I did it

Fear has been holding me back.  I am afraid to hurt my back again.  I am afraid I am going to have an asthma attack.  I am afraid I am going to hurt my knee.  I am afraid I am going to fail.  There, I said it!  My fear contradicts what the Bible tells me.  I can do all things through Christ...Bro. Brandon would be the first to remind. P413, Kristy Stuart, P413.  So what is my deal?

I think the biggest part of the issue is that I have not let myself believe in me.  I want to, I am just afraid to.  I know myself better than anyone knows me (well, besides God).  I know my track record.  I know my abilities, gifts, and talents.  And to be real honest, those things have not included athletic ability.  I lack self confidence.  I can't believe I just told all of you that is how I feel.

I have heart.  I am actually enjoying most of the workouts.  I say most because sometimes I have a breakdown and cry.  You know, crying doesn't make me weak, but not everyone feels that way.  I am not the same person I was on January 17.  I feel different and according to some, I look different.  I pretend to be confident, but I am scared.

I think the thing that I am discovering about myself is that I have built more walls than I realized.  I have blocked out people that have tried to encourage me.  I quit believing in myself many years ago.  That is hard to admit.  Hard for me to say that I have spent many years thinking that I don't matter and that my health is not important.  Have you ever stopped to really look at yourself? It is hard.

What I am starting to see is that I am able to do more than I thought.  My friend Jo and I were talking about how hard it is to exercise and how much it hurts.  I am not as young and flexible as I used to be and I have been hard on my body.  That is not even the worst part...mentally, I have torn myself up!

I watched a video of a little girl that was singing "Don't stop, don't give up...keep trying" and cried like a baby.  Yesterday, I couldn't do 15 sit ups.  Big deal.  I did 85 squats and 15 push ups.  Tonight, as I type this, I have completed 50 of the 90 squats.  That is a big deal...and when I think about it rationally, I realize it.  I need to quit worrying about being a failure.  I am not a failure!  I am doing this.  One day at a time.  If my struggle helps one person, then it is worth all of the effort!

Be blessed!