Walls

***Disclaimer-Tonight was not my night...my poor self-esteem got the best of me!***

I don't know about you, but I am a master wall builder.  You know what kind of walls I like to build?  The ones that are designed to protect my heart. I am also very observant and hear better than people think I do. I don't trust easily and I have a hard time making new friends.  I am picky.  You know you are my friend, because I pour my heart and soul into our relationship.

This fact makes it difficult for me to go to workout with people I do not really know.  So, how did I get myself into this workout thing?  I trust Bethany. I am not able to explain why, except to say that something in my spirit says she has my best interests at heart.  I know she is praying for me. Now, mind you that I still have my walls up. I have not let her all the way in (sorry Bethany, just being honest).

Why am I a master wall builder?  I have been hurt more times than I care to discuss.  I remember things.  I remember comments.  I remember looks.  I read body language.  I know when the people around me are sincere and when they are not...God has given me discernment where people are concerned.  It is a skill I use to break down the walls that my students build and how I get them to love me...I just know people.

That is what makes this a difficult process for me.  I want to be a valued part of the group.  When I am not, my lack of self-esteem kicks in and I become depressed.  When I am depressed, I over eat...when I over eat, I gain weight...you get the picture.

Something else that you should know, is I hide my feelings fairly well...that is until I cannot internalize anything anymore.  When I have shoved all I can shove into the closet of my heart, it comes flying open and my business gets spread out everywhere. Some of you may remember a time in my life that was not good...this would have been after Bryan was born and I had the "O" principal.  I had some issues way back then...I can laugh about them now, but really it is not funny!  I would have anxiety attacks and had to deal with some OCD things that became pretty serious. Why am I sharing this?  Well, it is really pretty simple, I don't want to go back to that life...it was terrible!  If I am not careful to keep my emotions in check and my spiritman full, I will be in trouble.

I don't have to be friends with the people that go to workout, but it would help.  Hey, they don't have to encourage me, but it would help.  I am not doing this for them, I am doing it for me, for Scott, and for Bryan...and I am doing it because Bethany believes in me...it is a God thing.  I know in time Bethany will get past my walls.  I have felt them crumble...and I really like her...just don't tell her! LOL

Be blessed!