Why

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why you are doing something? I do it all of the time and in every area of my life. I have questioned myself more in the last year than I have in a long time. Why did I let her talk me into this? Why did I react the way I did? Why did I...

My why changes, especially where my fitness journey is concerned. When I started attending Camp Gladiator, my why was to be able to become fit enough to do things with my family. A little later, it was about proving that I could do it. Then, it became about helping Bethany (or feeling like I was helping). I never really made it about me until a few weeks ago.

I had the opportunity to sit down with my friend, Jo, this past weekend. She has been on a similar journey this year. We discussed how hard it has been to go from lazy couch potatoes to active people with fitness goals. We agree it is the most difficult thing we have ever done. So, why are we still doing it? Well, because we are worth it!

Jo and I have been friends for over three decades...to say that we are comfortable with each other is an understatement. It was nice to be able to say what needed to be said without fear of judgement. She just understands. One of the other things we talked about was why we are vocal about our struggles...it boils down to something very simple..YOU. Someone out there reads what we are up to without commenting. This person is watching and trying to decide if this is something that they will be able to do.

You are important and you CAN do this. Will it be easy? Uh, no! Will it change your life? ABSOLUTELY! I still struggle, I still eat all of the wrong things, but I still try. I try to make better choices everyday. The hardest decision I made this year was to become a healthier me...are you ready to join me? 2015 is your year to shine!

Pride and Perspective

Well, it would appear that I have let some negative comments creep in and steal my joy. I have had more than one person imply or directly say that I was wasting my time with the whole get fit thing. I let those words take root and alter my course. I believed the lies that were spoken over me and I am not happy about it.

This year has been full of success for me. My success does not look the same as others, but it is success. The year 2014 started the way so many others have: full of family, food, and poor health. No hope for anything different. Fourteen days into the new year, I had a conversation that changed everything. God set my feet on this path and He did it on purpose so that I would be able to fulfill His purpose in my life. Eleven months later, I weigh 53 pound less. I lost this weight without the aid of the lap-band and without fad diets. I know that I HAVE WORKED HARD. I see this as a success.

See, 2014 changed everything about me. I became an active participant in my life again. I enjoyed activities with my family that I never thought possible. I became a better wife, mom, daughter, and friend. To let angry, jealous people ruin that would be plain stupid. I cannot change their hearts, but God can. I can only be responsible for me. This is where the pride things comes in...

I DO NOT like to break down in front of people. I do not enjoy allowing others to see me struggle. I certainly do not like to have to modify the exercises at camp (I want to do what everyone else does). That is a pride issue and something that God is working on. I let my insecurities get the best of me I let what I think other people think control me. I cannot continue to do this. I know that I know that I know the people I workout with could care less that I have to modify. I know that they don't think any less of me when the workout is hard for me and I get emotional. I know that they care about me. It all boils down to a choice, just like Bethany said, I have to make a choice...and I have. I CHOOSE ME.

I choose to move ahead on my journey. I choose to make myself vulnerable in front of other people. I choose to ignore the people that say I cannot do this and that I am not worth it. I serve a big God and He does big things and I cannot wait to see what He does next.

Be blessed!

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

I have been struggling for months. This is a subject I have tried hard to avoid. Fact is, I am embarrased. I figured out a long time ago that I cannot keep pace with the other campers. That should be okay, right? Their journey and my journey are different. Typically, I am okay with doing things my way, but not here. It is weird. This has become a problem.

I was hurt over the summer...it's not summer anymore. So why am I still right here? The simple answer is I have been making one excuse after another and I am super stubborn. I am afraid I will get hurt...excuse. I don't want to have a modified exercise...excuse. I can't do it...excuse. I will slow everyone down...excuse. I don't want to bother Bethany...excuse.

My insecurities have gotten the best of me. I have been lying to myself for months. The second something gets hard or someone tries to push me, I run away (not literally) and rebel. The emotional turmoil this causes sucks!

I called Bethany the other day and we finally talked about it. I have avoided any kind of fitness related conversation with her for MONTHS. In my head, if we don't talk about it, I don't have to fix it. Makes sense, right? NOPE, it is stupid.

I quit allowing her to push me. Right or wrong, that is what I did. I gave up on myself and in essence her too. Not proud about it, but that is what happened. Those of you that know me know my relationship with her is not just fitness related. She is my friend, so that complicates the situation.

She told me the other day that I can reach my goals, but she can't force me to do it...she is right. It is my choice. I have to decide that I am worth it and quit worrying about what the other folks at camp are going to think when I have to do something different. I have to turn off the friend switch, get my feelings off of my sleeve, and let her do her job for an hour.

She won't push me somewhere I do not want to go and she can't make me do anything. It is unreasonable for her to be expected to do that anyway. I need Bethany, the trainer, to train me and help me become a healthier version of me and not listen to my excuses...but first, I have to decide.

Be blessed!

From Scared to Strong

So many things are going through my mind and my schedule is crammed packed. I have been trying to figure out how to add hours to my day so that I can get in all of the things I need to do. My confidence level is pretty low lately and it is taking an emotional toll on me.

I try to always be positive and I am usually pretty successful. I know that I am able to do things that a year ago would have been impossible. When I am focused, I am great. I have a super support system and I know what I need to be doing, so why is it not happening? The honest answer, I am scared. Yep, I said it...I am afraid. About what? Well, the list is forever long and many of the things on it are just stupid.

A while back, Bethany made a comment to me that I have really been thinking about (for those that do not know, Bethany is my trainer...and my friend). I cannot remember her exact words, but I know the message she was trying to communicate. I hesitate to go full force because I am afraid that I will get hurt again. She is right. I am not giving 100%. I do not like the pain that is associated with the injuries I have suffered in the last few months. It is a vicious cycle...I hesitate because I don't want to get hurt and end up hurting myself because I hesitate. My injuries, for the most part, have healed. I still have a little trouble with my left hip, leg, and knee. It is tons better than it was a few weeks ago.

I have been on this journey nearly 10 months. Some months have been easier than others. I am much stronger than I used to be and I am nearly 50 pounds lighter than I was when I started. I have so much to celebrate, yet, I am stuck.

Fear sucks! I expressed my concerns to Bethany yesterday. I let her know I feel like a failure and that I feel like I have let people down, that I had let her down. Do you want to know what happened? She smiled at me and let me know that she was proud of me. I am still showing up at camp (most of the time)...even if my body will not function properly.

Everyday this week, something or someone has reminded me of the half marathon I have signed up to do. I have to get my butt moving and remember that my goal has nothing to do with how long it takes me to get to the finish line, it is about starting and finishing something that I never dreamed I would do. I am determined to be a life changer. I want people like me to know that ALL THINGS are possible. I am not the same person I was in October of last year...I am strong. How strong? Cg strong...thanks for your encouragement.

Update

It has been a while since I have posted. The past few months have not been the best. I have been recovering from several injuries. I am behind on my training, but I am still blessed!

I went to the doctor before school started and got the go ahead to train for the half marathon. My doctor was very encouraging. I have a few things to work through, but I am going to get there!

I finally stopped drinking sweet tea. I also switched to stevia in my coffee. I feel better and my body has changed. It was not as hard as I thought it would be.

I want to talk about the emotional toll that the injuries have taken on me because I feel like there is someone out there that needs to hear it. I have been very discouraged. I have felt like a failure. I have felt like a disappointment.

I have made an effort to surround myself with people who are on similar journeys as I am. This has been a blessing. However, recently, I feel like I have let these people down. Yes, I realize that this is not reality, I just said I FEEL LIKE...I want, more than anything, to make the people around me proud. I want them to feel like I am really trying to change, because I really am trying. It is just hard to not feel like I have let someone down.

The thing about forming relationships with others is that we become invested in doing things to gain their approval. When we feel like we fall short, it has an emotional affect on us. I have thought about my injuries over and over. I have struggled with the thought that I am hurting myself on purpose or that someone close to me feels like that is what I am doing. I have lost sleep over this issue. I am not a fan of falling down or pulling a muscle and I assure you that I am not doing it on purpose, but the thought bothers me.

There have also been plenty of new people coming to camp. People that I really do not know. Any of you with self esteem issues, like mine, will understand the uneasiness that this causes. Now, I am not saying that these new folks are judging me, I am just saying that it takes me out of my comfort zone. These people do not know how much I have changed in the last nine months. They have not watched me struggle. They have not seen my success.  I know, in time, these new folks will be just as special to me as the folks I started camp with...it is just hard.

My journey is not over. It is far from perfect, but at least I am moving forward. I am going to start and finish the half marathon that I have signed up to compete in. I may come in dead last, and that is perfectly fine with me. I will do it knowing it will change the course of the rest of my life. I will do it for myself. I will do it to prove that I am not who I used to be. I am blessed!

Taking the Next Step

Bethany has been telling me for months that I need to change my diet. Being stubborn, I have basically ignored her and continued on my merry way. Now, I am not saying that I have not been thinking about it, I am just saying that I have been very stubborn and resisting change.

She told me I needed to take some vitamins. I went and purchased them, took them for a couple of days, and forgot. She said I needed extra protein. I asked for suggestions, purchased it, used it, ran out, and didn't buy more...You see, there is a pattern here. It is the same negative pattern I found myself in many times before...do it for a little while and then give up.

My muscles have been screaming for me to provide them with the fuel they need to do the things I am asking them to do. I noticed in May that I was not progressing the way I wanted. I keep getting hurt. Bethany has been faithful to find answers and has been patient with me as I struggle to make better choices. She said something to me the other day that really made me think. I cannot remember her exact words, but it was something similar to this: You have stayed the same for months, it is time to take that next step.

The next step...hmmmm. I didn't really like hearing it, but I knew the second it came out of her mouth exactly what she was trying to say. I cannot expect my body to continue doing the exercise if I am not willing to eat better. My body is not going to respond like some of the (what I call) more advanced campers, unless I am disciplined enough to change some things. I want to be an advanced camper too. I want to be able to demonstrate during the workout and know that my form is right and that my body is able.

I am very proud of the progress I have made since January. I am now 7 months into a journey to be the best me possible. If I am not willing to change, how can I be the best me? I think that the main reason I have resisted a change in my diet is that I really like food. I have an addiction to something that I am not able to put down and never touch again. This addiction is one that developed over many years and for many reasons. Food has been my friend for most of my adult life. I am starting to realize that I have to see my relationship with food differently. It has become a toxic relationship. So, starting today, I am promising to change. I will take my vitamins, eat more protein, and try to make more positive food choices than negative ones. This means that I am going to need support and encouragement.

It is time for me to take the next step on this journey. I will keep you posted. Feel free to offer healthier/cleaner food options for me to try. I know some of you are clean eating experts. I am jumping in, don't let me drown!!!

Be blessed!

Attitude is Important

I had to do something this morning that I did not look forward to doing...my attitude at camp was really stinky on Monday. Today, I apologized. The girls at camp had no clue what I was talking about, evidently, it wasn't as bad as I thought. The thing is, I knew it was bad (and I know Bethany knew it was bad) and I knew I needed to address it.

Camp Gladiator has changed my life. I want others to see the program and the campers the way I saw them in January. I want for people to feel encouraged and supported. I want people's lives to change. How in the world can I help Bethany help others? By being the best camper that I can be and by being completely transparent. I have a responsibility to the other folks that exercise with me. I have to be positive.

Sometimes the workouts are going to be hard, I can accept that fact (afterall, I am paying a trainer to help me get in shape). I cannot accept a negative attitude. I have to be encouraged and I have to encourage. I am constantly looking for ways to become a better person. God often has me look at every area of my life and get rid of anything that is not Christlike. My attitude on Monday was not Christlike. No one noticed, but I knew it.

I never want to be a stumbling block for someone else and I certainly do not want to be the reason that someone does not come to camp. Camp can change lives and I want to be a positive influence on others.

Camp Gladiator's mission is: To positively impact the physical fitness and ultimately the lives of as many people as possible. Am I a gladiator? YES! My job at camp has to be in line with the mission...even when the workout is hard...even when Bethany tells me I need to eat better...even when I don't feel like it!

I fully believe that God qualifies the called, He doesn't call the qualified. I am a part of cg for reasons that I will never fully understand. My goal is to become the best me possible and to make boot camp a place where all people feel welcome and encouraged.

My challenge to my cg family is this: Think about your reasons for being at camp. Think about how your attitude lines up with your goals. AND the big one, join me in making our camps a positive and productive part of our community. We are able to do mighty things when we work together!

Be blessed.

Do you believe?

My shoulder is feeling a little better today. This is a huge blessing! This stupid shoulder injury has been a huge issue for me. I have felt beat down for weeks. I am glad to be on the mend...enough about that.

I have something I want to discuss...how many of you know someone like the big girl in the photos below? I know some of you know me, but think about the other people you know...

Do you see their potential or just their big body? This is something I would like for you to think about. Before Camp Gladiator, I felt like there was no way I could do the things that I am doing now. In the photos above, I weighed around 385 or so pounds. People would describe me as the funny, big lady. Both descriptions would be accurate...I was big and sometimes funny. What you don't see is the hurt. It was more than physical pain, emotionally (behind the smile) I was a mess. I didn't feel like I was worth fighting for...this was 2008. Fast forward to 2014...what a difference.

Do you know someone like me? Do you value them? Do you support them? You might have said yes to all of that, but REALLY think about it. Do you REALLY believe that the fat girl/guy is able to change? Did you really believe me in January? I am not the fat girl in the photo anymore...someone looked past my body and saw my potential. I will never be able to thank this person enough, so I want to pay it forward...

That friend you have may say something about wanting to get in shape. Don't judge them, support them. They may really struggle and may want to quit. Don't judge them, support them. With the right support, the person that looks like my pictures above could begin to change into something different...

AND they are able to do things that seem impossible. Don't ever underestimate the people around you. My story is an example of how impossible things become possible with support.

Be blessed!

Get up, Turkey!

I am having to gauge my success a little differently lately. I have been hurt for a few weeks. I am going to have to go see the doctor about this injury. I have hurt my shoulder.

I have had a tough time this summer. I feel like I am not making progress. I have had to step back and really look at what is going on. I have been at this whole workout thing since January. Six whole months! I have done some amazing things in six months and a few times, I have felt very defeated. In my head, I am what Bethany calls a "veteran camper"...I am no longer a "newbie" and can demonstrate certain exercises...so, in my head, I should be able to keep up with the other campers. Makes sense to my brain, but my body does not like it. When I push too hard, I get hurt. My shoulder being hurt is the result of me trying to do a tricep dip on the curb...I actually did two of them. I hurt my shoulder on the first attempt (it even made a popping noise), but attempted it again because I didn't think it was that bad...four weeks later, it is still hurting!

If my success was measured by push ups and tricep dips, I would have to say I am failing MISERABLY...thankfully, that is not the measure of my success. When I started attending Camp Gladiator, I could not do a single sit up. Not one...earlier this week, I did 40+ of them. I have not been able to do any of the exercises that have "get ups" in the title because I had to use my hands to push myself up. The one positive thing about having a hurt shoulder is that I cannot use that arm to push myself up off of the ground.Tuesday morning, I saw Turkish Get ups on the board. I thought, "Oh, great! Another exercise I am not going to be able to do." Well, I was wrong. I did four of them! I am not sure how to describe what they are, but you start out on your back and end up on your feet. It uses your core muscles...

Be blessed!

Pressure

The last seven days have been pretty rough. My stress level is reaching the all I can handle level...I know this because I have been fighting a migraine for a few hours. I am not really sleeping. I am not drinking enough water. I am not getting enough exercise. All I want to do is eat (but I am not doing this). Bryan summed it up pretty well today. He said, "Sounds like you have a bad case of the I don't wannas along with a bad case of the I wannas." He means, I don't wanna do what I need to do and I wanna do what I shouldn't! He is right...

I have been trying to figure out what in the world is going on with me. I do want to change. I do want to feel better. I do want to improve the quality of my life. I am, however, really having a hard time. Bethany issues me one challenge after another and I try to do what she says. Sometimes, I fail. I will get started on one and start to feel a little success and she will up it. Let me give you an example...when I got the treadmill, she challenged me to walk two miles each time. I was starting to have some success and then she said to do a 5k. I tried it. I did it, but it was hard and I haven't been able to keep up...she doesn't know this (until now). I haven't had the opportunity to discuss this with her.

I have had so many people telling me what they think I should do and I have become overwhelmed. Scott (my husband) would say something about me needing to get on the treadmill and I wouldn't do it. A friend at camp said she was going to do 5ks too and she wanted me to text her when I had done mine. She hasn't had a text yet. I am blocked, mentally speaking. I have the ability to walk/jog a 5k, so what the heck is going on? The only thing I can think of is that I am on overload and have too many folks telling me what to do.

Bethany and I are friends, but she is also my trainer. I know that she takes into consideration my limitations when she issues me a challenge. I listen to her. The difference between a challenge from her and one from Scott is only different in my mind. It makes me mad for Scott to tell me what he thinks I need to be doing. He means well, but his delivery needs some work. (Now, don't get upset about me saying this about my spouse. He and I have discussed this and he knows I am talking about it.)

I have a tendency to be stubborn. My mom can tell you story after story about me learning things the hard way. There are times that I will do the complete opposite of what I am supposed to do, just because someone said that I needed to do something or when someone expects they are going to make me do something (my mom can tell you about all of that too). Growing up an only child has not always served me well...and I think this may be the case here.

You see, Scott and I had a very long conversation about all of this the other day. I have so many well intentioned people telling me what to do. Trying to hold me to account. I don't want or need that right now. I need folks to pray for me and to encourage me. I need the people close to me to accept me just like I am and understand that I am giving all I can and I am having a tough time. I don't need to have folks checking to see that I have walked or telling me I need to. I know I need to. I can check in with Bethany and she can tell me what to do.

Right now, I need support, but not in the way that folks would normally support. I need to hear that what I am doing is good, that you see the effort that is being made, that you recognize that I am having a hard time. I might need a hug or a pat on the back, but I do not need extra pressure. I am doing the best I can...and I have not quit.

Be blessed.

Trying Not to Drown!

This whole eat better thing is HARD!!! I made more positive choices than negative, but I really struggled. I feel like I am swimming, but cannot keep my head above the water. Today, I found out that someone close to me is having health issues and instead of going to the treadmill, I went to the food. I am still an emotional eater.

In the past, this behavior would have made me numb to the news. Tonight, it didn't. Instead of the comfort from the food, I am dealing with feeling of guilt for a choice that I know was not healthy. I feel like I have failed miserably and that somehow the people around me are going to think less of me because of it. My insecurities are really showing. I know that the people that really know me know that I am still struggling. Hey, I am pretty open about my struggles.

I am a people pleaser. I don't like conflict and I don't like to let people down, especially people that I care about. I know that I am way harder on myself than anyone could ever be on me, but it still makes me uneasy. I have to learn that I need to focus on me and worry less about what others think.

I also need to replace this need to run to food with something healthier...so, I will be working on this. I will go to the treadmill instead of the refrigerator.

Still a work in progress and thankful for this journey (even when it is hard)!

Be blessed!

New Challenges

Spending time with Bethany always leaves me with something to think about and sometimes ends in a challenge. For weeks, I have been plagued with injuries. Pulled muscles and a hurt shoulder are a couple of examples. I have tried to stretch properly, but I still hurt myself once a week. It gets very discouraging.

Bethany set out to find an answer. She did research and asked a trainer friend of hers what he thought. They decided that my body does not have the right fuel to do what I am asking it to do. I have been very slow to change my eating habits. Bethany said I need more protein and that I need to start eating a cleaner diet.

She knows just when to tell me things and has an amazing ability to knock down every excuse I come up with. She also gives me Biblical reasons to back up what she is saying and she reminds me that this journey will help Bryan and his children make healthier choices. Boy, she knows how to get right to my heart!

So, I have spent a few hours processing what she said and will start making changes to my diet. Protein first and add more vegetables and I will do my best to avoid fried things and empty carbs. And then there is this whole taking vitamins thing...I guess I will do that to. I will have to set an alarm on my phone (I got this idea from my friend Liz)!

The other challenge she issued is to complete three 5ks a week on my treadmill...every other day I need to walk 3.1 miles and vary the speed and incline. 

Game on, Bethany Nelson! I am all in...

Be blessed!

Are you limiting your potential?

I am not sure where to start with this post...I have had an interesting week. I think I would like to work through the whole self-confidence thing. Self-confidence has always been a struggle.

I have worked for years to convince others that I have it all together. This has worked well. Most folks have no idea...well, until I started Camp Gladiator. The folks I work out with have seen me cry more times than I like to admit. There is just something about exercise that breaks me down, but this makes me stronger.

Camp Gladiator has made me realize that I am not alone in my struggle. We all have our insecurities. I have spent a good amount of time thinking about mine. Many of them are based on how I think I am supposed to look based on what the world says. Have you watched TV recently? The commercials that come on very rarely have larger folks in them. Have you opened a magazine in the last few weeks? All of their advertisers use small folks too. I have a very warped idea of what I am supposed to look like...

Scott and I watched the end of the Miss America pageant. Beautiful, thin women strutting their stuff on stage. The winner is a beautiful women! In the days after, I was shocked by all of the news about the pageant. One of the other contestants was in the news...she is a size 4 and was upset about point deductions in the swimsuit competition. Evidently, she was too big. Huh? Size 4 and too big? How in the world am I supposed to have a healthy self image when a size 4 is too big? That's just crazy!

Here is what I decided. I am looking in the wrong place to set a standard for myself. Now, don't get all worked up when I say this, but I am okay being bigger than most women. I really don't want to be a size 4. I don't think I was ever a size 4. I want to be healthy and happy. I want to be surrounded by people that care about me for who I am and not what I look like. I want people to encourage me on  my journey and check on me when they see the tears or notice a change in the way I interact with others. I want to be an encourager. I want more out of my life.

I came across this on facebook:

It says it all. By myself I am not able...with God I am. Are you working too hard to be something you are not? Stop it!

Be blessed!

Me

This getting fit thing is harder than I ever expected it to be. It might not be so bad if it only required physical activity. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard if I felt invincible. I might do better if it wasn't so hot in the evening. Working out makes me feel vulnerable.

One would think that going from the PM workout to the AM workout would be an easy transition, after all, it is the same kind of workout, just earlier in the day. Well, it has not been easy for me. It is really early in the morning and there is a different group of people. I know most of them so it should be easy...but it is not. I feel like a fish out of water in the morning. I am having a tough time.

Reality, for me, is that it is too stinking hot at 6 pm for me to workout. This leaves the 5 am workout. I am not much on mornings. I have always been told that I am not a morning person. It is not that I don't like seeing people in the morning, I just prefer to be awake for a couple of hours before I am required to be social. Being with new folks means that I have to try to figure them out. I have to figure out what makes them tick...and doing this in the morning is HARD! LOL

I think that Scott may be on to something when he says that I need to quit thinking about everyone else. Even at 5 am, this is my workout. It is not about anyone else, it is not about how secure (or insecure) I feel, it is not about being social.  It is about ME. It is about me becoming physically fit.

Be blessed!

Hot Stuff! ;)

Whew! It is HOT out there!I went to camp on Monday evening and gave it my all...well, at least the all my body would allow! I went home, cooked dinner for my family, and sat down near the air conditioner to try to cool off. It just wasn't happening. I ran some lukewarm water in the tub and hopped in...nope. Then I had chills followed by nausea and a migraine headache. The headache was BAD! It didn't become bearable until about 4 am and it didn't go away completely until late Tuesday evening.

You may be wondering why in the world I chose to workout in the heat...and to be real honest, that is what I was thinking as I was trying to figure out how to make that headache go away. The honest answer is I don't like to get up early. I decided that I would set myself up to fail if I continued to go to the evening camp, so I am going to start going in the mornings. I do not like to get up, but I hate having migraines and throwing up...so...

I am trying to drink enough water, but it is difficult. I am trying to listen to my body, but I am a people pleaser and when someone tells me to push I am going to push. I am trying to be okay doing modified exercise, but it hurts my pride. I am trying to not be prideful...so, one step at a time. Mornings are cooler and I will be able to continue to go to to camp.

This morning, I ventured out before most of my neighbors were awake. I drove on empty streets. I went to camp. I stopped on my warm up lap to watch the birds and listen to them sing, I smiled. I warmed up. I worked out...better than I have in weeks. I have decided that it is going to be okay, this whole getting up early thing will not kill me. I will miss the folks at the evening camp, but will go back when the temperatures drop again...until then, I am working my plan and meeting my goals. Are you working your plan and meeting your goals?

Be blessed!

Struggling to Stay Positive

My friend, Julie, posted something on facebook and it really made me think...she said:

"It never fails. The day you feel like crap someone comes along and says something horrible to you. and it feels like the whole world woke up just trying to bring you down. No matter what your day is like stop the cycle so that it doesn't continue. Someone somewhere needs you to stay POSITIVE. Maybe it's the guy who's trying to get on the highway, or the girl who checked you out at the grocery store. Even when someone mistreats you turn around and smile at them. Whatever their problem is, most likely its not about you. So stay positive and maybe...just maybe they will continue the positive attitude."

You know, this is great advice, but I think there is more to it. I have been struggling with my attitude toward working out. I have fallen way short recently in the staying positive area. I sincerely apologize. Julie's post was a wake up call for me. I may not be the most fit girl at boot camp, but people notice me. When my attitude is not right, people see it. Trying to maintain a positive attitude about my workout honors God. It says that I appreciate the effort that is being made on my behalf by Bethany and the other campers.

I have to try harder to stay focused on the most important part of my journey...my relationships. My relationship with God, first and foremost, and then with my family and my friends. My outlook has to focus upward. If my vertical relationship (God) is in line, my horizontal relationships will flourish.

So, what does this have to do with my workout? Well, it is pretty simple. I will put more effort into becoming the fit me. I will do it, most of the time, with a good attitude. I will choose joy, because someone may need me!

Be blessed!

Broken but not Defeated

Broken...have you ever thought what it would be like to be broken? Not like a broken bone, more like a realization that you cannot do something by yourself. Well, that is what I have thought about today.

It is not a surprise to people that know me that I feel things deeply. I tend to think about things over and over. I become concerned about being a burden on the people around me. I fear failure and disappointing people. Sometimes these feeling are easily put back in their place and sometime they fester up and bubble out for others to see. That is what happened on Saturday.

Saturday was the 20 minute workout. I did not want to participate. I did not even want to go to Tolar. Saturday morning, I was dealing with the stress of the week and I just didn't want to see anyone...and then I got a text from a friend asking me to come. She said she was really struggling and needed me to come to encourage her. This text conversation was followed by a facebook comment from Bethany and a text from another cg friend. All of the messages encouraging me to come. My attitude was bad, but I am a loyal friend. I got dressed, got in the car and went to the track. I don't think I said more than a dozen words to anyone and I did not do the 20 minute workout. Emotionally, I was spent. I did my warm up lap and went back to the area where Bethany was setting up. I sat down and just started to cry.

I have been quietly struggling with my confidence for a couple of months. I am good at keeping most people from knowing what is going on, at least for a while. Now, before any of you get worked up and start telling me how great I am doing, you need to know that I struggle to see what you see. I want to see this person that you see, but what I see instead is a person that is really having a hard time believing that I am going to be able to do the things that I hoped to do. I can't seem to get past the injuries that keep happening (Bethany and I are working on this with modifications). I am embarrassed that I cannot do the things that the others do, although no one has ever said anything about it. My insecurities are hanging out for the world to see...and you know what? That is perfectly fine with me because fact is, I am not able to do this...not on my own anyway. Crystal (and others) reminds me often that I can do all things through Christ...

On Saturday, I walked the track and tried to figure things out. I played with a sweet three year old who insisted that I jump in the water puddles and follow him up and down the bleachers and all over the place. That sweet baby made me laugh for the first time in days, kids are good like that! I faced the fact that to be strong, I have to be broken, you know, I have to admit that I need God's help. He has surrounded me with an amazing group of women. He has also given me a husband that supports my decision to become fit. Scott is willing to work extra hours and odd jobs just to be able to pay for my boot camp. What a gift. And, God sent me a trainer that has become like family. I know without a doubt that God knew I would need her.

So now what? Well, since the half marathon seems impossible (I am still planning to do it), my goal right now is to get back into my routine and get to where I can jog/run a whole stinking lap without stopping...then two...then three...I think you get the picture. The big goal is a little overwhelming today so I am going to break it down into manageable chunks. I think I have used this before, but do you know how you eat an elephant? That's right, one bite at a time. Do you know how you run a half marathon? One step at a time...gotta get to steppin...

Don't give up on me, I really am trying!

Be blessed!

I DON'T WANT TO...

Well, after a week at home and the few weeks before this one, I don't want to go to workout. Yes, I said it and I own it. My self confidence is super low and I have felt horrible. I know that has a lot to do with the way I feel...but still, I don't want to.

So, I sit here in front of my computer typing and praying and hoping that I will get out of this funk. I am having a big ole pity party I guess. Tomorrow is 20 minute workout and I am considering just staying home. I don't think it is possible for me to beat my time from last month, especially with the crazy month I have had, and I am not sure that I am in the mood to deal with the emotional breakdown that it will cause.

I know, get up and go...at least try...blah, blah, blah...I will let you know what happens. Pray for me.

Be blessed!

Modify or Quit

Being a teacher, I know about modified curriculum. I know why modifications are made. I know that they are intended to help the person become successful. So, why is it so hard to allow Bethany to modify my workouts? I know that it needs to be done because I keep hurting myself.

I really want to do the things she asks me to do, you know, the way the other campers do, but my body just will not allow me to do it. In my head, I can do it. My legs tell a different story. I want to do it (most of the time).

I am forced to face the fact that my body is not ready to respond. So I have to make a decision: Do I go with the modifications or do I quit? I have seriously thought about both and have made a decision. A hard decision. One that will require me to admit that I am not ready and require me to swallow my pride. One that some people will not fully understand, but one that most will support.

You see, I am not the same person that I was on January 17, 2014. That Kristy Stuart could not do a jumping jack or a sit up...this Kristy Stuart can. The Kristy from January would have quit after the first injury...this Kristy is dealing with the third injury. So...

I am not a quitter. I have to keep going. I will swallow my pride and continue to train because I cannot catch Crystal yet, but I am still coming! Seriously, God is using this to get rid of tons of junk that I have stored up and as much as the physical part of this hurts sometimes, working through the mental part of this is what is making me healthy. I am tough...I am strong...I am able...I am a Gladiator!

Be blessed!

Kickball

This past Thursday was field day at school. We had a day full of outdoor activities. After stretching, the kids picked teams for a kickball game. Would you believe that they let me play too? I was on the same team with my boy and I kicked after he did.

I was a little nervous. Would I be able to keep up with these kids? Would I get too hot? Would I be able to kick the ball? Well, I was surprised. I was able to keep up with them, I did not get too hot, and I did kick the ball. As a matter of fact, I reached base and crossed home plate nearly every time I was up.

At one point, one of the high school boys tried to tag me and missed. I out ran him to score. Yes, you read that correctly. I out ran him.

So, why is this the topic of my blog? Well, it speaks volumes about my growth since joining Camp Gladiator. In the Fall, I would not have been able to participate. I would not have wanted to be outside at all. I would have stayed in to grade papers.

I am not where I want to be in my fitness journey. I have had some setbacks. I get in my own way all of the time. I am, however, much closer today than I was on January 15, 2014.

I am proud of myself and I look forward to starting the preparation for the half marathon that I will run in March. I also look forward to sharing this journey with others and pray that I encourage someone to get up off of the couch, like I did, and start their own fitness journey!

Be blessed!

Whew! What a Ride

This journey is like riding a roller coaster...up, down, up, down. So many of my struggles are associated with the mental part of being healthy. I get in my own way. I would guess that this is why Bethany's favorite thing to say to me is "Get out of your head and do this." She knows.

I have discovered it is not easy to stay committed to a fitness plan. It is not easy to drop weight (not even with a shortcut). It is not easy to figure out how to keep from hurting myself. It is not easy to stay out of my head. This has been an ongoing struggle for me.

My head thinks of all of the reasons that I should just stay home. You know, things like: it is too hot, my allergies are too bad, I will sweat too much and then need a shower,  nobody will notice that I missed. The thing is that these excuses are stumbling blocks. If I am not careful, they cause me to make steps in the wrong direction.

I do want to be fit. I do want to be healthy. I do desire to change. I spend entirely too much time "in my head" and this causes me to stumble. In my head, I hear all of the negative things that have ever been spoken over me. In my head, I doubt my ability. In my head, I second guess my goals.

I am working hard to let God control what goes on in my head. I try to be as positive as possible. My life is not easy and I am not always as successful at the be positive thing as I would like to be, but I would not want to live any other life. God set my feet on this path. He know how He will use my struggles to create victory in my life and the lives of the people around me. He has placed some amazing women around me...not just at boot camp, but at work and church too. He is faithful and I am grateful.

My goals are big and sometimes they seem impossible. I will get there one step at a time. My desire to change is greater than my desire to stay the same (this is another of Bethany's favorite things to say).

I appreciate the encouragement that I get from you. I ask that you continue to encourage me as I continue this journey and I ask that you remember me in your prayers. I can do this! 13.1 miles is less than 10 miles away!

Be blessed!

Form, Focus, and Frustration

Focus on form, focus on form, focus on form...this is something I seriously need to do! I have issues with my left leg. I thought I stretched enough. I thought I was doing the exercise correctly. Who would have known that putting your weight on your heel instead of your toe would make such a big difference? I certainly didn't, but you can be sure I will remember next time. OUCH!

I do NOT like strained muscles! I don't mind the "normal" workout pain, but I do not like it when I "hurt myself". I get so frustrated. I want to do the same things that the others are doing at camp. I want to make it through the entire workout. I don't like having to modify everything (I realize I have to modify some of it). I don't like feeling like I have failed or like I have let someone down. Guess what I do? I throw up a wall and block it all out.

Yep, if I act like I don't want to or it is too hot, then no one will know that I feel like I can't do it or know that I am hurt. The folks that I workout with are FANTASTIC people. I know that they are not judging me. I know that many of them really care about me on a personal level. I know that they support me, so why do I continue to throw walls up?

Being hurt and unable to complete the tasks on the cg board frustrates me. A knot the size of an egg in my thigh is not comfortable! That really isn't the biggest issue, it is the lump in my throat when I have to ask for a different exercise and the hurt in my heart (not literally) that make it hard. Unintentional looks of disappointment and my still fragile self esteem beat me down. There is not one person that can be more disappointed with what is happening to my body and it's inability to respond than me.

I can complete a 5k in less than an hour, but I cannot do a superman stretch. I can finish a 5k in less than an hour, but I still cannot do many exercises that involve jumping...you get the picture. I can see my successes, but my struggles are what I have focused on.

I have to remember that it is my workout. I cannot worry about being last. I have to focus on what I need to do to get over the walls that I have thrown up in front of me. I cannot actually jump over a real hurdle, but I have to figure out how to jump the hurdles that I have put up in my mind...

We are supposed to have 20 minute workout on Saturday...I really want to do it. I know it is something that I CAN finish...and I am looking for another 5k because I know I can finish...these two things are very difficult, but I have done both successfully. This success builds my confidence and helps me remember that I have come a long way since I began this journey in January!

I am trying to learn to embrace this journey. I am trying to live a healthy lifestyle. I am trying hard to be as honest about it all as I can. I am trying to put away all of the shame I have felt in the past. I am trying to walk boldly. I am trying to remember that:

    "[I am a person that is] breaking the boundaries people have placed before [me and I am]
    raising the bar from settling on just 'being adequate' to CONQUERING greatness. [I am]
    STRONG because [I] persevere! [I] have what it takes because [I have support]! [I]
    positively IMPACT lives of those around [me]! [I am] BOLD because [I] know [I]
    have fears and choose to face them..."*

Who am I? I AM A GLADIATOR!

*Bethany sent us a version of this as an encouragement...I am trying to become this strong, bold, conquering woman that she believes I am!  I am thankful...

Be blessed!

BOLD Because of a Child's Love

The past few weeks have not been the best. I have not wanted to do my workouts. I have allowed myself to have a bad attitude.

I have even been disappointed...in myself and in some people around me. Let me explain. I agreed to do a 5k with a parent of a student.  It was way back in January. Bethany had told me that I was not allowed to say "I can't" anymore, so I said okay. We had plans to advertise for my school and  have t-shirts made. Big plans that went no where. We all got busy.

Bethany and I had a conversation about it and she wanted to wait so we could do the advertising. I talked with the parent (on Monday night) and told her I was not going to do it and then on Tuesday morning I told the boys in my morning class that I was not going to do the 5k. I thought that I had covered my bases fairly well, after all, we were not going to be able to advertise for the school and my leg had just started to feel better...one of the boys looked me in the eye and said "Why not?" It wasn't really the words that got me, it was the look of disappointment in his eyes.

The truth is, I had been given an out, and I took it. It made me a little mad. This angry feeling came out at bootcamp and I left it out when we discussed what was going on. I talked about all of the other stuff. I don't think I did it on purpose, really, the other stuff was just bothering me more. I was really trying to do my crabwalks and I was really trying not to be upset. I was not all that successful at either. While I was working hard at avoiding my workout that day, I walked over to the sign in table and my friend asked me why I wasn't doing the 5k. I replied with a quick I am not ready and turned and walked away. This was all on Tuesday.

I went back and read my early blog posts on Wednesday or so and started to think. All of my life, I have let fear dictate what I was and was not going to do. I remember being picked for the missions team in college and then backing out because I was afraid. So, my quitting has been the result of me giving in to my fear. I decided Thursday that I could not skip the 5k. The parent and Bethany had other plans and I knew I would have to do it by myself.

I went. I started. I finished...dead last! I discovered along the way that it is really okay for me to be last. I laughed at God and told Him I get it. All of my life I would just quit. Quitting is way worse than being last...making excuses, worse than being last.

What I discovered today is that I am BOLD. The cg kind of bold. I would not have had the confidence to start and finish a 5k on my own in December. Today, I not only started and finished, I also finished it in less time than I thought I would. I finished in 57 minutes 20 seconds. I was in 84th place out of 84 runners and I am okay with that! I did not quit. I did not make an excuse. I did not let fear win. I am a winner!

Tuesday, I will proudly wear my shirt to class and look that sweet boy in the eyes and say thank you. He knew I could do it. He believed me when I said I would and because of his love I did!

Be blessed!

Crab Walks Make Me Crabby

I tried to do a crab walk today. My body didn't want to and that made me mad. As a matter of fact, that stupid little exercise caused me to think about a bunch of things that have been making me crabby. I am still an emotional eater.  As much as I would like to think that I have conquered that, I have not even come close. Now, I am in an interesting place...exercise brings out all kinds of emotions and my first instinct is to run to food for comfort.

Yes, I realize that is not what I am supposed to do and a lecture about it will only add to the stress and well, you know, more food. Spring has always been an interesting time of the year for me. The trees start to bloom and my allergies and asthma go crazy. The temperature goes up and my migraines return. So, this outside exercise thing is hard for me.

Folks keep asking me if I am okay and I can answer yes and no. What's wrong? Well, here is an abbreviated list of the things I am dealing with:

1. There are several people in our family that are in poor health
2. Our youngest niece got hurt playing softball
3. The school year is coming to an end
4. Bryan is starting to go through puberty and is not behaving the way I would like for him to
5. We have chickens in our bathroom
6. My allergies and asthma are acting up
7. I feel insecure about changing
8. I cannot sleep
9. My back is hurt
10. Affordable healthcare is not so affordable

There is so much more that I could add. I have to deal with all of it. I would love to be able to replace the emotional eating with exercise and I am trying, but it is so hard. I am a creature of habit. I like for things to be comfortable and easy...and this life change I am trying to make is anything but comfortable and easy. You might say I am my own worst enemy when it comes to getting in the way. I left so much junk on the foam glow course, but I didn't leave it all. And now, I am faced with taking all of this on.

I have to remember that I am not in this alone. I have to learn to trust myself to make wise choices. I have to get out of my head and focus on the fit person inside of me. I have to do this for myself first. I cannot worry about what others think and I have to get my feelings off of my sleeves. It is hard enough to do this and even harder if I choose to have hurt feelings.

One day at a time...be blessed

Learning to trust

I don't know about the rest of you, but I discovered today that it is not possible to compartmentalize my life. I have worked hard for years to keep certain people in my life at a safe distance. You know, give everyone labels. Church friend, work friend, high school friend, childhood friend...and very rarely have I let my walls down enough for people in those groups to cross into another group...then I started Camp Gladiator.

Remember me telling you that I was a master wall builder? Well, evidently I lied. Not on purpose, but I did.  My wall building ability really stinks. They keep crumbling and falling to the ground...it may not be that my walls are not fortified, because they are. It is that God is the one knocking them down. When God sets out to set you free from bondage, you will be free...even if He has to drag you kicking and screaming the whole way.

What in the world does this have to do with me getting fit? Being physically, mentally, and (for me) spiritually fit go hand in hand. The walls I have built have to be knocked down. God revealed some things to me this afternoon: 1) I have to trust people. Not everyone that enters my life is going to hurt me. 2) I have to be okay with a smaller personal space. Not everyone that gets close has a desire to hurt me 3) I have to open up. Someone around me needs to be encouraged.

I had to face fear today. Not on the workout mat, but standing in the church house. See, I went to a women's conference to see Bethany sing. Some of the girls from bootcamp were there (that whole line crossing thing was going on) and I was very uncomfortable. God has been trying to work in me for a few weeks and I have stubbornly ignored Him. Here is the truth: I did not want the girls from bootcamp to know that God was trying to deal with my junk. I did not want to deal with it in front of them. I did not want to be vulnerable in front of them because that would mean that I would have to trust them. God was not as concerned about my personal comfort, He came to do business with me. And He did just that...

I was angry with God today. Yes, I said it...flat out angry. And I was stubborn and guess who was there and made me deal with it head on (although she didn't realize it). Yes, Bethany (another line crosser). I had seperated myself from the group to try to get myself together and she happened to see me. She walked up and said what's up, you know, like she does at camp. I wouldn't answer...today, I was not a camper and she was not my trainer and God was really working on some stuff and I did not want to talk about it, so I didn't. She sat down next to me, laid her hands on me, and prayed. That is when I realized just how far past my walls she was. She prayed for me the way I pray for Bryan. You know, right from the heart with no judgement, full of love and compassion. And I got mad. Not at Bethany, but at God. He put me in this situation, allowed Bethany to figure me out and get pats all of the walls I put up, and other folks followed her around. Not only that, but He was allowing it to be played out in a public place.

I don't know if any of you have ever tried to dig in your heels when God is trying to work, but I can tell you it doesn't work. He will remove all of your excuses and send folks to speak truth to you and not back down. I finally gave in and dealt with what was bothering me. I don't want to go into the specifics here, because it was very personal and handled face to face...I will say that releasing the fear associated with trusting others changed me today. My eyes were opened.

It is not possible for me to become physically fit without becoming mentally fit. It is not possible for me mentally fit without becoming spiritually fit. Becoming spiritually fit is not possible without trust. Trust in God and in the people I consider my friends. I am Kristy Stuart. I am Strong. I am Beautiful. I am Smart. I am Forgiven. I am Worthy. I am Brave. I am Changed. I am Whole.

Bethany, Jean,  Liz, Crystal, Jherri, Shawna, Meghan, Rhonda, Beth (and so many more), I need you to know that I trust you to encourage and support me in my fitness journey. God has made an effort to surround me with bold, powerful, encouraging folks. He doesn't make mistakes. You are a part of my life because God ordained it. He knows that I need you and that you need me. So, starting now, there is not a personal space surrounding me...if you feel led to hug me, do it. If you feel led to encourage me, do it. If I am slacking and God tells you to call me out, do it. I will work hard to make sure that my feeling are in my pocket...I am learning to trust, be patient. Thank you for being who you are...

Be blessed!

Hurt

This has been an interesting week.  During the first part of my workout on Monday, I hurt my leg. I did a good job! I didn't know that it was possible to hurt myself the way I did...it wasn't a difficult exercise. A weighted Get Up. You have to sit down and then get back up without using your hands...I have done these successfully in a previous workout. There is not even any jumping involved, but it really hurt!

In the hospital, when I had back surgery, they would come ask me about my pain level. On a scale of 1-10, how is your pain...and I would tell them (after my surgery) that it was about 4.5 or 5...for those of you that do not know, I had to have major back surgery 7 years ago.  The doctor told me that if I had waited another week, I would have been paralyzed. Morphine didn't even touch the pain...why do I bring it up? Well, because the pain I experienced on Monday was almost as bad as the back pain I experienced. I have a high pain threshold, so for me to cry, it has to be bad.

The worst part of all of it is that I wanted to try to push through the pain and keep doing my workout...I couldn't. So, I didn't...and on Tuesday, I got up and drove to the 5 am workout, still in pain. I walked up, told Bethany that my leg still really hurt and that I had only had three hours of sleep. She told me to go back home.

Being hurt messes with me mentally. I want for Bethany to be proud of me (and for the record, I know she is when I am not in my head). I try hard to give an honest effort at nearly every workout. It is hard...266 pounds of flesh, trying to jump and run and bend, doesn't  always cooperate and when there is a malfunction, it is worse. Tonight, I was VERY frustrated. I wanted to do it, but I didn't want to further injure my leg. I had to put myself in timeout. I walked away from the workout area and walked a lap around the track...something I knew I could do without too much discomfort.

I was just walking and trying to clear my head. One whole lap down and I was going to start another one...and then I heard Bethany calling my name. I knew I was about to have to face what was going on and deal with it...she said something like: What's up, tell me what is going on. I had to look at her and tell her I was frustrated and that I really wanted to do what she was asking me to do, but it really hurt. I told her that I didn't want her to be disappointed in me because I was really trying to do it, my leg just didn't want to cooperate.

I have mentioned before that I trust her...she busted down my walls faster than anyone I have ever met. I am comfortable enough with her to tell her anything and to listen to what she says, even if I don't like what she is saying. When I told her I was afraid I was disappointing her, I knew what she was going to say. "Get out of your head." She tells me that more than once a week. Even when I think I am hiding it, she knows. She has figured me out. 

I need to be able to express my fear and be honest about what is going on in my head because I need to work through the junk. I need to have a person that will listen and redirect, without judgement. I need to be challenged when I am not giving my all...and I have that at Camp Gladiator. I am doing things I never thought possible and I am making new friends. Sometimes, it hurts...mentally and physically, but I am so worth it!

Be blessed!

Three Fs: Fear, Frustration, and (perceived) Failure

This has not been a good week for me. Fear and frustration are my enemy. I did not push myself this week because I was afraid I would have an asthma attack. Asthma attacks cause panic attacks which really embarrass me.

My week started with breathing treatments. The wind blew in something that made it very difficult for me to breathe. I skipped Monday's workout because I was not feeling well. Put on top of that that I am very frustrated with my perceived lack of ability and an overall bad attitude and you end up with my week.

It feels like everything I have done this week has been wrong. Personal decisions, professional decisions, nothing seems to feel right. I don't like that this was my reality this week, but it was. I do not feel good about most of the workouts I did this week. When I don't give 100%, I only cheat myself. I have been an emotional mess and have worked hard to hide it. I have felt insecure and I have been a little grouchy.

I did manage to do a couple of things, this week, that I feel like I can brag about...1) I got my cousin to come to camp with me and she signed up and 2) I jogged (remember, my "jog" is like most people's walk) almost all the way around the track and only stopped once and walked only a little bit.

So now what? Well, I need to figure out how to only use my inhaler if I am having an actual attack. I leave it on the check-in table when I get to boot camp (this makes me uncomfortable, thankfully, there are several people at camp that can really run...just in case there is an issue). I need to figure out the root cause of my insecurities...I want for people to be proud of me, but how can I expect that when I cannot figure out how to be proud of myself?

I have discovered, this week, that although I left a ton of "junk" on the foam glow course, there is so much more that has to be dealt with. I think the most important thing is the way I look at myself. I can tell you I am strong, that I am beautiful, I am confident, but without action on my part, those are useless words. I need to pray more and complain less. I need to trust God with my fear and give an honest effort. And apparently, I need to be a little easier on myself, because in reality, I have done things in the last two months that I never thought were possible.

I need to be mentally and physically healthy.

Be blessed!

Stronger...

This past week was our Spring break. It started the way all the others did, you know, sleeping in and being lazy. By Wednesday, I felt terrible. I decided that I needed to get out of the house and get some exercise. That's what I did...I went to the track and walked.

Some of you are probably wondering why I didn't go to boot camp. Camp Gladiator schedules a recovery week between camps. During the recovery week, I can attend free Bold workouts (this is the benefit of being a bold member). I attended it too, it was at 5 am on Thursday. We also have 20 minute workout during our week "off"...

Twenty minute workout is (in my opinion) the hardest workout I have ever done. It is always the same. Bethany does it with us. I remember how hard it was for me in January, I felt so defeated. I am glad Bethany made me finish. This workout is designed to let us see how much improvement we have made during camp.

I beat my time again! Not by much, but I was better, 43 minutes and 17 seconds...a little over two minutes faster than last time. I was shocked. You see, I didn't think I would be able to beat the time from last time...and I wouldn't have if Bethany hadn't kept me focused...I was VERY distracted!

I have thought about several things this week...one of the major things would be this: It is okay to whine, it is okay to struggle, it is okay to complain a little bit, but it is not okay to quit.

Right now, you may want to give up. Don't do that...find someone to support you and keep going. Find that strong person that is inside of you (there really is one in there) and make it your goal to become the best person you can be.

Buddy week is coming up. I would love for you to be my guest at Camp Gladiator. I would love to support you and watch you grow! You are stronger than you think...

Be blessed!

March 8, 2014, The date that changed me!

March 8, 2014 changed me...I faced my fear head on. Before you read any further, I am going to be honest about my thoughts along the way...pity party included, cg girls, it has nothing to do with you...it is all mental and God is working on me!

Have I mentioned that I hate being last? Well, it is true. I have been dealing with this very thing since I started boot camp. I cannot keep pace with the other girls. Boy, it makes me mad sometimes! I enjoyed the Foam Glow (almost) 5k, kind of...I enjoyed the car ride there and home, and the company at dinner, and the wait for the event to start.  The actual walk/run was something else all together. It was intimidating. I didn't know what to expect and there were people everywhere...and I didn't know many of them.  The ones I did know were finished long before me. I can't tell you how long before me, I didn't ask. I know that it took me 1:10:12 to walk the 2.76 miles (that's why I added almost above). Just me, God, my music, and a few thousand strangers. I started the race feeling worthless and believing I was too fat to finish.

I don't think I was even a mile into the walk when my phone rang the first time. I would guess since it was Bethany, that she was finished...I am not sure, because I didn't answer. See, me and God were having a meeting. Right there on that stinky sidewalk with the river view. I was trying my best to convince Him that I could not do this, He was very patiently listening and directing the songs on my pandora. Each song gave me the courage to keep moving...You are beautiful, don't look back, keep encouraging...this seemed to be the theme. I smiled, I cried, and at one point I was walking along with my hands in the air praising God for His faithfulness.

I experienced every emotion possible. I was so nervous before we started that Bethany told me to get out of my head (she tells me this all of the time). I was angry because I was walking with all of these people I didn't know. I was sad because I thought I would fail. I was encouraged when I came upon a overweight couple walking along the course that appeared to be struggling just like me (I did take the music out of my ear to offer an encouraging word) because I knew I was not alone. I was excited when I realized that I was nearly finished.

I told Scott that I thought I would have enjoyed the experience more had I had someone with me...you know, just walking/running with me. I am not sure that I would have got as much out of the experience if that had been the case. I started that race feeling weak and discouraged and I struggled along the way. I crossed the finish line (running) with my head held high. I felt like I had accomplished something. God has to break me down to build me up and that is what He did.

It was interesting to walk across the ball field toward the girls that I went with...I knew they would be excited. I knew they would be proud. I knew that at least two of them would be waiting, because I rode with them (ha)...and I knew that at least one more would be there because she looked me in the eyes and told me to do my best and she would be waiting for me when I finished. That helped me push through the desire to quit. What those girls don't know is that the person that they saw at the end of the race was not the person that started it.

You see, I left some junk on that sidewalk. I left fear and shame out on that course. I left weakness with them. I left I can't too...I discovered that I am tough and am able to do far more than I ever believed possible. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am able. I am not a fat girl. I am a fit girl in a body that is changing and I am proud of the things that I have accomplished!

This journey is one of the hardest journeys that I have ever been on. I would not be able to do what I do without the encouragement that I get from the people around me. I have made an effort to surround myself with strong, encouraging people. My support system makes a huge difference. So, thanks to all of you that encourage and support me!  I am a new person! I would love to support and encourage you, how can I help?

Be blessed!

Power...

One of the things that I have been working in is to discover the fit person inside of me. I have come to the realization that she is in there. She is fit. She is confident. She is bold. Now, I just have to get out of the way and let her shine.

This past week was filled with success and failure. I am still really struggling to make positive choices related to my diet and overall fitness. Now, don't misunderstand, I made more positive changes than negative choices. I am still making progress. I have tried to replace most of my sweet tea with water. I only had tea four times this week. I am trying to cut back on the amount of sugar and cream in my coffee...uh, that is DIFFICULT!!! I am trying to balance my meals by eating more veggies and smaller portions.

This has also been a good week for me. I am starting to make real connections to the people that I am on this journey with...I posted on facebook about having more friends in the Granbury area.  Before Camp Gladiator, I had a handful of friends here. Now, I have many. I bumped into one of the girls from camp yesterday while I was waiting to have lunch with a friend. It made my heart happy that she recognized me in something other than my sweats (HA!).

Change is not easy for me. I have been okay with things being the way they are for way too long. Same hair style, same clothes, same friends...you get the picture. Change makes me uncomfortable. I like knowing what to expect. Well, I have discovered change is necessary. The way I have been doing things is not working. I was getting bigger and bigger and my life was out of control. My world has been in chaos for several years. Something interesting happened...I decided that I was going to make one change...a haircut and Bethany decided that she was going to go with me. I can't exactly tell you when she busted down my walls, but I can tell you that she managed to get past my defenses. She is not just my coworker, not just my trainer (those are just benefits), she is my trusted friend. She boldly speaks truth into my life and helps me see that I am worth fighting for.

Last night, I was able to see that the things I deal with are not unique. Confidence comes from God and believing that we are special. The person we are able to see may not be the person we should really see.  There is POWER in the ability to speak truth into someone's life and help them to see past the junk in their way. I want to be powerful. I want to help people see that they can. I want to inspire folks to get up and try. I cannot do this without change.

Tonight, I will put on my exercise pants (with the shorts Scott bought me over them), my running shoes, and my white Foam Glow 5k t shirt and set out to change into the bold, beautiful, strong person that I am supposed to be. A 5k is not very far, really, but it is significant. I will start as the Kristy Stuart that shows up and I will finish as the Kristy Stuart that has conquered another step in her journey to be a new, more powerful person!

What will you do today to find that powerful person that lives in you?

I am praying that you find the courage to get up and become the best you possible. I believe in you!

Be blessed!

Go Big or Go Home

Well, every journey has adventure, right?  This one will too...many of them. I have decided that I am going to be serious about this training thing.

I mentioned a goal on facebook the other day and I have given myself a deadline.  I didn't pick a small goal either...on March 1, 2015, I will start and finish the Cowtown Half Marathon. Yep, you read that correctly, I am going to run 13.1 miles.  My goal (as of today) is to finish. I will be more specific about this goal as the day approaches.

I am scared to death! I have to focus.  I have to run. I have to make healthier choices.  Most importantly, I have to believe that this is possible!

It seems impossible at this second...but so does eating an elephant. Do you know how you eat an elephant? One bite at a time...Do you know how you run 13.1 miles? One step at a time!

I need support. I need support from my cg friends.  I need support from my family. I need support from my friends. AND I need prayer!

Please, be positive about this goal. I realize that it is a big goal. I realize that it is going to be difficult. I am starting to believe in myself and I am asking you to believe in me too...


Be Blessed!

Excited...

I have never been one to get excited about physical activity, that is until now. It seems really funny to me. I cannot explain it, it just makes me feel good.

I have noticed that I talk about boot camp all of the time.  I can't wait to get to work to share with Susan the newest exercise that Bethany has made me do. I even demonstrate.

I did four real push ups last week.  I know, four doesn't sound like many, but I can tell you that it is a BIG deal. I have really come a long way since my first workout.

The hardest thing for me is still the mental part. I feel like people are thinking that I am really slow, Bethany says that it is not true. Whatever negative thing I think, people around me see it differently. They see the determination to finish and the desire to change. She says that people view me as an inspiration and that I encourage them to push harder...how about that?

I have never stopped to look at my journey from someone else's perspective. I have only thought about it being about me. Seems a little selfish. I don't mean to be selfish. I think it may help for me to look at the impact I am making on others. I have decided to live out Camp Gladiator's mission statement. It is:

Our mission is to positively impact the physical fitness and ultimately
the lives of as many people as possible.

  

What does that mean? That means that I am going to think about others. It means that I am going to encourage others. It means I am going to be bold about sharing the difference that Bethany, through Camp Gladiator, makes in my life. I will help promote cg and encourage others to find the gladiator that lives inside of them.

I will continue to be honest about my journey. It has not been easy. I have struggled, but every struggle will result in success. I am determined to change and I am EXCITED!

Be Blessed!

Support Helps

This has been a rough week for me at workout. We are half way through our workout week and I am sore and mentally drained. I have tried hard to find the positive.

At Monday's workout, I was surprised with a cg workout mat. I was shocked. The very first day I went to workout, Bethany partnered me with a workout buddy.  This buddy slowed way down to show me what to do and encouraged me to keep going. She reminds me often that the workout is mine and that I need to do it at my pace.

Tuesday, we changed locations. I dreaded it all day. I don't really like change, especially sudden change.  A bigger location means more space. More space means that Bethany has the space do do harder exercises. And she did just that. My legs hurt! We had to partner up...I hate partnering up, especially when the other person has to repeat their task until I complete mine. I am so slow (faster than I was a month ago, but still slow). My partner was one of the better campers. I felt horrible. I really tried to finish in a timely manner because I knew she was having to do the mat exercises while I was trying to finish the cardio.

Wednesday was not real easy. The workout is hard, but it is even more difficult to clear my head and focus on what Bethany is asking me to do. I had no idea that the stress in my personal life would play a part in working out, but it does.

The great thing about the folks that I workout with is that no matter how far fetched my goal seems to me, they support me. They believe in me, even when I do not believe in myself.  They encourage me and challenge me.

I am slowly becoming a different person. One day at a time. Changing one habit at a time.  Looking forward to what is ahead of me. Thankful for the folks that support me because the support helps.

And then there is this...

This has been one heck of a week!  I am so sore and my emotions have been all over the place. I have discovered that working out brings all of my stress and insecurities to the surface.

Yep, after the high of loosing 9.4 lbs, I hit a low. Thursday's workout was not a positive experience for me at all!  I left feeling a half inch tall.  It started with a couple of the girls that encourage me not being at camp and was followed by many tasks that my body just would not allow me to do. We had to get in a line and pass a 20 lb medicine ball from person to person while jogging. The last person in line had to run the ball to the first person. I was the last person in line. Of course, I have a hard time keeping pace with the others and it didn't help that the person in the front of the line was a boy between 10 and 12 years old.  I ran nearly a block carrying that stupid ball.  I was supposed to lead the line.  I tried.  I made it about thirty or so feet and had to bow out.  I puffed my inhaler and started walking behind the others. I was so mad.

I left the workout mad and very discouraged.  I even considered not attending the after camp get together. I am glad that I didn't skip.  Both of the girls that I missed at workout were there! I got to visit with them and we all laughed hysterically. I also got to visit with Bethany. I explained to her that I didn't feel good about the workout and that I felt very discouraged. I even told her I threw up. You know what she said? "Good.  That means I kicked your butt tonight!" Not what I was expecting to hear.  Then she said, "You have to be broken down for God to build you back up." Hmmm, something I have not ever thought of about working out...but it is true. The release associated with the physical exercise is amazing.  All of the junk I am dealing with comes to the surface and I have to deal with it. Makes me cry, makes my flaws obvious, makes me vulnerable, but in the end, it makes me strong.

Had I been working out in 2003,I probably would not have had that breakdown. There is something about working out that brings balance to my body.  It is hard to explain, but I challenge you, no matter your age, weight, physical/mental condition, to get up and get moving. It is not easy to get started, but with the right support you can do it. I am willing to go on the journey with you, so get up and let's get started. I believe you can, do you?

Be blessed!

Whew, Finally!

I have been working out for a little over a month.  It is hard to believe, but it is true.  I have really struggled and not everyday is fun, but Bethany tells me that the crying part of this is good for me. My self confidence is a little better, but I still doubt myself. I can see changes now.  Other people have said that my body is changing, but I just started to really see it.

I did not measure myself in the beginning, I didn't even think about it.  I know that I have lost inches because my Camp Gladiator (cg) shirt is an XL and it fits me now. Funny story associated with the shirt...it will give you a little more insight into the kind of person Bethany is. I ordered a XXL and she wouldn't let me have one.  She told me to get an XL out of the box and shrink into it.  So, that's what I did.  Now, I wear that cg shirt with pride. It touches me, but it is not so bad!

My mindset is slowly changing. I no longer call myself a fat girl.  I try hard to not joke about my weight (this is hard, because I did it all of the time). I have worked hard to stop telling people that I can't do something.  As a matter of fact, I try it all.  This morning I was asked to try to do a push-up with the hand clap afterwards (I can't remember what it is called).  The board said I had to do 10, so I set out to try to do all of them.  I was scared that I would bust my nose, but I didn't.  One, clap. Two, clap. Three, ouch.  The third time, I landed on my forearms and hurt myself. I had to look Bethany in the eye and tell her I was hurt. Nothing serious.  She assessed it and gave me an alternative exercise. I had to avoid anything that used my shoulders for a little bit, but tonight I am better.

I never dreamed that working out and laughing went together.  They do.  Most of the time, I really enjoy working out and I LOVE the encouragement from the other Gladiators (that is what we are called when we are at camp). It seems funny to think that I get called a Gladiator, but I own it because I am tough!

The weight loss has been slower than I thought.  It actually went up before it went down.  In December, I weighed two hundred seventy-nine pounds.  I have lost nine and four tenths pounds.  How do you like the way I spelled it out!  Ha! Nearly ten pounds.  I dropped nearly ten pounds. I am happy with it, I worked hard for it.

Let me finish with this.  I would have never dreamed that I would be working out.  I would have told you it was not possible. I was too big.I am not worth the effort. My back was bad. My asthma is bad. I don't have time. Well, all of that is not true.  I now say, I have workout tonight.  I can do it. I am worth it. I missed last night, I better get up and go at 5 am. I will try. Hey, can we do that again?  That was fun.  Big change, huh?

You are able too.  You are amazing.  God will meet you on that exercise mat.  You just have to have the courage to get up and do it.  You are not too old, too fat, too out of shape.  You are amazing and I believe in you!

If you are interested in working out and need a place to go, try Camp Gladiator.  Google them.  You can come with me and I will workout with you.  No judgement, only encouragement!

Be blessed!

Real Talk with Kristy Stuart

One of the things that many of my friends appreciate about me is that I am a straight talk kind of girl.  I don't beat around the bush, I say what needs to be said.  So, it would make sense that I would do that here.

My attitude stinks this week.  My knee hurts and I am just not motivated to do anything that is going to make it hurt more.Working out this week was difficult because we had a week off and then ice. I got out of my routine.

Working out is hard for me.  I don't like to sweat and I really don't like outside (especially in the Spring and Summer). My allergies are starting to kick in and I am sneezing my head off.

And then there are the changes to my body.  Most of these are good changes.  My inner thigh is a different story. If I went outside in a wind storm, my legs would beat me to death.  They look terrible, thinner, but terrible none the less. The results of my poor choices are showing...right on my thighs.

What does that all mean? Well, really nothing, except maybe to point out that the mental part of this process is VERY difficult! I fight myself on a daily basis. Don't do this, don't eat that, get up and exercise. I think this is normal. I was discussing this with a woman that does cross fit training the other day. She is in fantastic shape. She said she struggles in this area too. I guess that gives me a little comfort.

I can't be anything other than the person I am...I find comfort in the fact that when I am weak, my God is made strong! Prayer needed and appreciated!

Be blessed!

Twenty Minute Workout...lessons learned.

I had a major break through during my recent twenty minute workout.  I can't go into details on all of it because this is a public forum, but I can talk about some of it.

I was doing lunges across the width of the football field and had a million things running through my mind.  Most of them were negative.  Things like:

You can't do this.  What do you think you are doing? Girl, you are too big for this.  You should be at home on the couch watching TV.  These people are going to laugh at you.  You need to hurry up, the other girls don't want to be here all day.

This had been happening during the entire workout...every time I was ready to believe one of these lies, someone would say something to me. "You have to believe in yourself." "Get out of your head." "Block everything out and do this."  And you know what else happened this time...almost everyone was still there when I crossed the finish line.

Scott (my husband) and I were talking about the girls being there when I finished.  He said that people like that are going to be the reason that I keep going.  I think he is right.  Support is the key.  I know that when I go to work out that I will not be alone at the finish line...at least Bethany will be there.  I will freely admit that it was nice to have people cheer me on and push me to go harder and faster than I thought I could.

I have spent a majority of my life believing the lies I have been told.  I have thought that I can't do things because I am too big.  Truth is, I can do it and I am doing it.  It is not easy.  It is not comfortable.  If I am honest about it, it scares me.  But, I can do it.

On April 12th, I am going to do a 5k.  Something I have said before, but didn't follow through.  I didn't have a support system in place.  I do now.  I would love to see my friends at the finish line, but I am not doing it for them.  I am doing it for me...and to prove that all of the lies I have believed are not true!

If I can do it, so can you.  One day at a time.  I believe in you!

Be blessed!

No Shirt...

Have you ever seen the sign that says "No shirt, No shoes, No service"?  I have and it has never been an issue for me.  I am not one to go without my shirt...that is, until today (2/9/2014).  Yes, you read that correctly.  I went without my shirt.  I was just too hot to keep it on.  For those of you that do not know me, I am typically very careful to make sure all of my parts are covered.  So this was out of character for me.

I was trying to finish my 20 minute workout...jogging/walking along the track with the other girls.  Before I knew it, I had asked all of them if they would be offended if I took off my shirt. It was a long sleeve t shirt.  I took it off and kept moving forward.  I thought I was going to throw up a couple of times.  Bethany was not going easy on me...she told me I had 15 seconds to puke and then I had to get moving again.  I had one thing on my mind, the finish line.  I forgot about not having my shirt on until one of the girls handed it to me.

You may be wondering why I am bringing this up.  Well, it has been on my mind all day.  When I got home, I sent Bethany a text message apologizing for coming out of my clothes.  She has a way of speaking truth to me in a way that hits me right where it needs to.  She basically told me not to apologize and that I need to learn to love my body the way it is.  Now, it has been a long time since I weighed less than 200 pounds, probably 15+ years and I am very self conscious about my body.  Being overweight has given me a warped sense of what my body looks like.  Bethany told me I have great skin tone and that I am not as big as I lead others to believe...huh.

So, I must try to see myself differently.  I tease constantly about being a big girl.  I have to stop doing that...I am Kristy Stuart.  I am beautiful.  I am a child of the Most High!

Be blessed!